Spread Thin. Or Just Spread. Not Thin.

There is too much to do, and I think it's going to be like that for the foreseeable future--i.e. until I finish school and land a job, and if I have to move, then also until I get settled wherever that may be. I have been feeling like I'm spread too thin. Unforunately, that's about the only thing about me that is "thin" these days.

Nothing drives home that point more than having to shift back to professional/conference/interview attire from casual school-appropriate clothing. I like to be fashionable, but boy am I glad I'm not a lawyer or businesswoman who has to wear suits every day. Suits and a lot of work clothing are stiff and boring and conservative, expensive to launder (b/c they're all dry-clean), and they all make me feel incredibly fat right now because they're so tailored that you can't hide behind general terms like, size "small", "medium", or "large". Instead it's a size 4, or 6, or 8 or, 10, or well... you get my point. So as if I didn't already feel frustrated about this unexplained weight gain + a couple of endocrine blood tests that came back out of range in February, PLUS my sidelining shin bone cracks, and PMS to top it off, trying on these damn trousers and jackets and skirts is really making me feel cow-like, chubby, and unattractive, and frumpy. I can't even begin and you probably don't want to hear about it.

I am packing for Denver. And, being the procrastinator that I am, I am also still working on the powerpoint for the talk I'm going to give at a conference roundtable paper session on Monday. This is THE major conference in my field/profession, because it is the umbrella organization encompassing pretty much every aspect or sub-interest within educational research. The most important thing is that this is another line on my cv. I hope people come and listen to what I have to say.

At the same time, I secretly hope that it's a small group and that it's informal and relaxed. I have heard that sometimes few to no people show up at some presentations (because the conference is so huge and there are sessions and presentations occurring simultaneously). If that happens, I have heard that you end up networking with your co-presenters who have similar interests as you. And if that happens, and one of them has, oh, say....a job....in a desirable location....then that's okay with me, too. At the moment, though, I'm a little bit scared, both by the idea that it could also end up being a room packed with people, AND by the fact that I have had SO much on my plate that I'm not throwing together my presentation until now. Think good thoughts for me.

The conference ends mid-week, but I'm taking an extra few days to stay out there and hang w/ my sister before heading back and stepping on the accelerator to get my dissertation done. My advisor wants me to defend in mid-June, and though the timeline is tight, she says she absolutely thinks I can do it. So if she thinks so, then I have to believe I can do it. Everything is happening so fast, I wish it would slow down. It's all good but there are still so many unknowns for my future post-school. I am not comfortable with change, and change is going to come flying at me whether I want to, or not.

My work and laptop are following me (as usual) but it will be good to have that change of scenery and a breath of fresh air before coming back home and entering the pressure cooker that will await me.

Note to self: Deep breaths. Deep breaths. And stop and look at the flowers. Especially
when they are fresh cut azaleas. There is beauty in life and in stopping to notice those small things. Yes.