New Light
So the light is coming back and I'm hopeful about 2013. So much has happened in the past year. I'm still "stuck" in the same setting I was working in when I wrote last year. The same setting my post-doc mentor fled. I was hired into a more permanent position after finishing my post-doc. While I can't get into it here, I will tell you that the good of it is that it has bought me time to build my resume further, network, and spend time tying up loose ends here on various fronts. The negative is that it is the same toxic setting. There is a lot of micromanagement, and a flat structure. I expect more with a Ph.D., and I'm not getting any bang for my buck, so to speak, given the entrenched structure there. So I'm biding my time, and keeping my eyes open for the next best thing. I won't jump ship to another frying pan, in a rash move, desperate to get out. But when the right thing comes along, I will go. We will see if this year proves to be the year I can get out of that place. It is a shame b/c I love the town I live in, but the workplace within this town sucks on many counts, and that to me is probably ultimately a dealbreaker that makes me feel like I can't stay. Still, I face new unknowns if and when I jump ship to someplace with more possibilities, more responsibilities, more income, and.....quite likely, a place I know no one.
Someone once said you don't make friends after age 30, because people get wrapped up in their own lives. And it's probably true, with all good intentions, you make friends but they're not the same as the ones you made in college or when you were younger. And it's doubly so if you're single, which I am currently. So moving to a new place scares me a bit but maybe I"ll find my way, and a larger place will at least in theory, have a better pool of men who are compatible with me than the place where I am currently. There are tradeoffs. THis is a great town, and I have good friends here but it's a dead-zone as far as eligible men. Although it only takes one, I suppose, so statistics shouldn't matter.
On the health front, I am currently in the process of continuing the endocrine workup from where I left off two years ago due to my insurance plan/income.
I am still experiencing issues with unexplained weight gain and bone loss. I have had three elevated urine cortisol tests in a row, enough for them to finally take my complaints seriously instead of brushing me off after my thyroid tests come back normal and saying "we don't know" since it's established that lifestyle (fitness/diet) are not contributors to weight gain....
My most recent blood work is also showing a low ACTH level (a pituitary-adrenal related hormone). I am not a scientist or physician so I am not sure of the intricacies of it, except I know there is a feedback loop or a negative feedback loop with ACTH and cortisol. THe question is where to go with it. My doctor suggested I go off of birth control for two months in case the hormones in the contraceptives are skewing my readings, return for more endocrine testing (cortisol and ACTH), and see where the readings are then. It's possible though I have my doubts, that the pill is giving me false positives, and to blame. If my cortisol and ACTH are still off, then it will warrant further testing to see if there is a pituitary or adrenal issue at fault (something which I'd be relieved to pinpoint but would also not be a position I want to be in). And if after all of that testing, if those aren't it, I fear that they'll slap on a dx of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), a diagnosis of elimination. I take that illness seriously, however, I am a little bit wary of having them give me a diagnosis just because they can't explain it with anything else, and haven't done all of the legwork.
Which brings me to one last point. My sister just got engaged this past fall. We are so excited for her! She will be 44 this year, and I think it looks like they will probably marry in about a year, if I have to guess. He has a son, who would then become her step-son. But I think she wants to try for a child of her own if possible. However, with her age, she knows the odds are against her at that point, being in her mid-40's and also being Asian.
This is very personal, and I wouldn't share this with anyone but a few trusted and close friends in real life. But it's this. I'm my sister's closest (and youngest) female relative. My sister and I discussed over the holidays the possibility of me donating an egg to her and her trying to conceive with (my) donor egg and her fiance-to-be-husband's sperm. I would do basically anything for my sister, and promised her that if that's what she wants, and I am deemed eligible, I'll do it. The truth is I wouldn't think twice about it. I know that the egg donation process can take a lot out of a woman--weight gain, mood swings, bloating, enlarged, painful ovaries and the risk of ovarian cysts and ovarian torsion and hyperstimulation. I've read that fertility drugs used to stimulate ovulation (also used for egg donors) may potentially be linked to a heightened risk for ovarian or breast cancer b/c of the high dose hormones. (I think of John Edwards' wife Elizabeth Edwards dying of breast cancer, and the speculation that high dose hormones from conceiving in late life were to blame). I get scared of those things. But for my sister, I'd do it. The question also boils down to whether I'd be ruled out as an appropriate candidate based on age. Most egg donor programs seem not to look at women beyond their early 30's, and you have to pass rigorous health screenings.
So I get scared that being in my late 30's, and having a form of arthritis, and possibly a messed up endocrine system (to be determined) might rule me out. The thing is, maybe it's different for known-donors (versus stranger donation via an egg bank). I'm my sister's closest and youngest female relative, AND there's the ethnicity/race issue. We are Asian-American (Korean-American), and Asian eggs are at a premium because they are so hard to come by. (I think they pay college age women a handsome amount to donate eggs, and moreso when an Asian couple is seeking a donor egg).
So that's that. This is very personal and it's the first time I've put that out there. And finally, the other thing I never really thought I'd entertain the idea of, but which is a distant but whispering thought in my head is single motherhood by choice. I read and hear about straight women in their 30's and 40's who pursued careers and put off dating and marriage and childbearing, or whom circumstances never allowed to meet the right person at the right time. They get donor sperm and choose to go it alone and fly solo into motherhood. To me, it appeals on one level, but on another level it scares me. I"m only now getting onto my feet and still paying off educational loans. My income is middle-class, but by no means high. Many of the women who do this are affluent, and by that, I mean they earn more than I do. The other thing is the support. I have some close friends, but it seems that for this, you really need a lot more support than a few close friends. Maybe people like this network with other single mothers by choice? Finally, if I were to do it, I think my sister would support me in the endeavor but my parents would frown upon it. They are of a different generation, and also let's face it, culturally, Asian culture doesn't understand single motherhood because it's not really in their lexicon. In that sense, my parents have conservative, or rather, traditional values (and I don't mean that politically, really). I think they think single motherhood by choice is kind of weird, still. That alone wouldn't stop me from it, but it would give me something to think seriously about before giving it a go.
And yeah. There you have it. Another year has arrived. I'm another year older, and I hope, maybe a little wiser over time. If anyone is still reading diaryland, and has stuck with me for this whole post, I wish you the best in 2013. I'm sure I"ll be back when it feels right to post.
