Where's The Golden Snitch?
All at once, taking an academic job holds the potential promise of freedom and creativity that no other job can offer--only in delayed gratification (because it takes 6 or 7 years to actually get tenure--or be denied). At the same time, an academic job can masquerade as having a unique type of job security and freedom. There's no boss breathing down your neck and accounting for every minute of your time on the clock, or the fear that your company could downsize and you could be fired at any minute. But there's a unique, drawn-out uncertainty in terms of job security for the very same reasons I outlined above: the long road to tenure also means you won't know for 6 or 7 years after arriving at that job whether you'll stay in that place permanently or be given the boot. And, if you are denied tenure, you're often "damaged goods" to other academic institutions if you didn't proactively do a job search in your 6th year of work in order to have a contingency plan already lined up as an alternative option if you're told your contract isn't renewed. And you probably already know this if you are a regular reader of the Chronicle of Higher Education.
What I'm trying to say is that I feel torn. I have a big decision to make, in that I'm casting my net wide to a variety of types of positions (in and out of academia). But obviously, the first position I take out of grad school will shape the trajectory of what path I ultimately take from there. I'm increasingly realizing that my original goal may not be available or attainable at least for now, given the job market and paucity of tenure-track assistant professorships open right now. So that already sets me on a different trajectory. If I took an assistant professorship right out of school this fall, then I'd be starting on that 7 year quest for tenure. If I stray away from higher education and go into industry, maybe it's not bad and I'll love it, but I'm realzing that while one door won't necessarily close, and that there is more fluidity nowadays where you can switch jobs, the path won't be as clear-cut as I hoped and imagined. And if I go into industry or government as an educational researcher/program evaluator or scientist, and, say, three years later, say "Hey, wait, I want to switch tracks and find a faculty position and go become a professor" will it be "too late"? Who wants to start at the bottom of the tenure mountain when they're facing the age of 40. See what I mean?
If I were 25 and had the rest of my future ahead of me, it would be one thing. But I'm 35, and in fact, I just looked at the calendar and realized I'll be 36 in less than a month, now (exactly a month from yesterday). And while I'm young, I'm not so young that I have all the time in the world to still figure things out and explore and experiment. I'm still open minded and open to new experiences, but it's also assumed at my age that one will settle down at least semi-permanently. And what scares me is....what if I make a mistake and pick the wrong type of job and regret it and feel miserable next year and for however long I brave it out? Or maybe I'll absolutely love whatever job it is that I take.
I also have life responsibilities now, unlike when I was in my 20's. While I don't have a spouse/partner and young kids, like a lot of my friends/classmates finishing their Ph.D.'s, I DO have an obligation to help out my 70-something parents as they age. Right now, they're okay, but old age is old age, and what if they become frail? Now is the time, while they're still energetic enough, to help them decide on a place they want to retire to, and a lot of that hinges on where I "settle". (My sister is anchored and established, but where I ultimately land will help make their options clearer). Ideal situation: I end up in Denver and we're all there, or my sister moves back East and we're all close together. But the big question mark is where I'll go from here, and then a lot of things will fall into place.
Which is why I'm ambivalent about postdoctoral fellowships, b/c taking one, even though it comes with a paycheck, is still a finite, temporary arrangement of a couple years. Postdoc fellowships have many benefits and can open many doors--but is one for me? At my age?
The reality is also hitting me that I will probably not be in Charlottesville next year and I'm so so so so sad about this. At the moment, I have my name in for 2 postdoc fellowships at here at UVA but I'm 99% sure I wasn't picked, b/c I know for certain that a few people who were already postdocs were applying to those as 2nd postdocs, in order to delay going onto the academic job market in this bad economy. And I don't really stand a chance against those individuals b/c they've been out of school for longer, and published more articles.
I also put my name in at a postdoc at UNC Chapel Hill. Is it a perfect match for me? Honestly no. It's in early childhood research (birth through age 5), so would represent a new area of training for me. Could I *make* it work to my advantage if I were selected (and accepted the position)? Maybe. But the location is tricky--I have some personal reservations about it--not only because I never seriously saw myself moving South of here, but also...I...I'm just not sure. It's a maybe, and that's if they even make me an offer.
I'm also looking at a couple of assistant professorships--one in the DC area, one at University of Delaware--and who knows, really? Delaware is a Research 1 (Carnegie classified research intensive) university, and I know nothing about the town of Newark, along I-95. And is "Research-One" what I want, in terms of the pressure to chase grants and actually do research 70 or 80 percent of the time and only teach 20 or 30 percent of the time? I just don't know.
My advisor also recommended industry/policy/government research organizations where I could be an educational/social science researcher. These positions tend to be listed as "Research Associate Scientist", "Research Analyst", "Scientist" and such. Am I cut out for these? Is my statistics background strong enough for these places, or do they want someone more confident in doing Structural Equation Modeling or Hierarchical Linear Modeling. Having a strong math background probably does translate to higher pay than not having a quantitative bent. But I don't know. Will I like the regimented pace of it all or will my baseline stamina issues make the experience miserable for me? The attractive thing about those non-academic positions, is, honestly, that the pay is generally better, and there is more likelihood of ending up in a geographically desirable place, which for me, would be places like Boston, the DC area, the Bay Area....other metropolitan areas where there are a high proportion of professional, educated, like-minded people...You get the idea. So that's a quality of life issue in some ways. Even my advisor told me Boston/Cambridge are great b/c there are lots of young people and lots of single, educated, intelligent, professional, progressive/liberal men, and great places to hang out and eat etc. And that's probably true. It's a lifestyle thing as well.
What to do. I truly feel torn, and also insecure--as confident as I often am--being at this point really makes me wonder if anyone will want me (either in or out of academia)? And who? And will I want them?
It's a lot like dating. I'm sure you don't envy me for that. Where is "the one"? I feel like Harry Potter playing Quidditch and trying to capture the elusive golden snitch (along with Cho Chang's heart).
