How to Deal

I'm really having a tough time with the fact that my boss/mentor is leaving soon. I have so many emotions related to it that I just don't know where to start. I'm sad. Workplace is such an entrenched, old boys network, and my boss is a woman who threatens that. In no way is she conventional. She's brilliant, she's attractive, she has different belief systems and ways of thinking than others there, and because of how she thinks outside of the box, I think it's threatening to to the establishment, and especially a certain individual(s) within the administration. I mean, if you're Neo-Pagan, and you're politically left-of-left, and you're bi (not necessarily things people there know the specifics of, but I do), and you're co-parenting your two kids with your ex-husband while you've now married a new husband, well...I guess that makes some people uncomfortable. I'm fine with it. And the truth is, we actually have a lot more in common that would appear on the surface, and that's all I'll say about that. And what I can say is that we think alike, and I think her brilliant mind just energizes me in a way that's hard to explain. And we're both Myers-Briggs INTJ's, which is not a common type among women, but which I really believe explains why we work so well together. She "gets" me and my work style and way of thinking. She doesn't micromanage because she herself cant' be micromanaged, and she knows better--if she were to do that to me, she'd lose me. And she and I both deal with invisible disability stuff. Mine is the autoimmune/rheumatologic stuff. She knows my history as well. It turns out she had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, so understands that as well as things like anxiety, very well. But in recent years, she's struggled with a lot of other health issues, especially neurological, like chronic headaches from Idiopathic Intracranial Hyptertension, and then also a bout of Lyme meningitis. I think this helps her understand me and my "invisible disability", and she's always been suppportive. I've never felt I had to explain stuff. She "gets" it, and she "gets" me. But I think some people aren't/weren't comfortable around her b/c she's different and they felt "threatened", and wanted to bring her down in subtle ways. So I think her move to the new job elsewhere is a fantastic move and I'm delighted for her.

The way I see it is this. I've been low enough on the totem pole at work as a severely underpaid post-doc to have a unique perspective of the lay of the land, both as an insider, but as an outsider. And I saw this even before I started as a post-doc, as I began there as a grad student, where I was a grad assistant for a few years. I knew the lay of the land, and I kept it to myself, but I think I knew even before my boss verbalized it that she was unhappy in her job.

And it's this: I saw her as a beautiful racehorse that had gotten corralled. And with the flat hierarchy, they kept dangling a carrot in front of her, but with no real intention of ever making her anything more than a cog in the machine, undervalued workhorse. And it makes me sad. So, if the new job goes according to plan, I do see her really coming into her own.

She defended her Education Ph.D. last Wednesday, and it was so great to help her celebrate her status as "Dr. Squared". (She's now an M. D. and a Ph.D., in addition to having a Master's degree in Education). In fact, it was absolutely fantastic to get drunk with her as a friend. We did so the week prior, as well, when she did happy hour to announce her news to a select few. But this was more fun because there was more alcohol. I don't think I made a fool of myself, and she certainly didn't, but it was fun to kick back even if I paid for it the next day.
Wow.

It makes me feel weird to write this out here, and I'll probably have to delete this for just in case safety later on, but, yes. (Must we talk about "girl crushes"?). I have a crush on my mentor/boss. It's a "girl crush" really. I don't think she's picked up on this (or maybe she has), because I can't wait to spend time with her and we've spend a lot more time hanging out outside of work in the past few months than in the two years I've been a postdoc. And I'm glad to have excuses to see her and spend more time with her before our time working together runs out. Whatever. Like I've said, we've transitioned, I think, to becoming friends, but it is a complicated line to walk as you transition from someone being your mentor/boss/superior to being friends and colleagues with them. Anyway, it's not like I want to be with her physically. Although granted, I'll say this: she IS really really attractive, and at times I can feel myself getting all dizzy and anxious with butterflies when we spend time together as of late, if I let myself think of that as well as her brains. But it's more of a general reaction. It's a "girl crush" all the same and I'm recognizing it for what it is. I'm mesmerized by her brains. If we hadn't become friends as well, and if I didn't know her as well as I do from working together for three years, then I'd be intimidated by her. But no. I have this silly little crush on her that embarrasses me a little bit and that I can never really tell anyone about.

And in case you're wondering, I do date men and see myself ending up with one. Not that it matters. Not that I think or hope any of you would judge me if i stated otherwise. But just to clear things up. It is a "girl crush" and I've had them before, and it's totally ok, right? I hope so.

Um. Yeah. That's where I'm at. This isn't easy.