reconnecting: glad i did it
thanks to everyone who put in their two cents last week when i was in a "dilemma". i think i made the right decision. i wrote back to laura and am glad i did. she e-mailed me back within hours, glad i'd written to her. what she said to me was helpful and reassuring because she's been there herself and knows where i'm coming from.
one of the hardest things for me in all of this has been looking around for information on young adults like me, and finding such a lack of resources. so much info out there on (disabilities and chronic illnesses) is geared:
1) to a general audience
2) to young people who never flew the nest or tasted independence...(e.g. teens who still live w/ mom & dad)
3) towards people who are already more settled in their lives: already launched their careers, married, and have children.
i wanted to find a support group, but there were none where i fit in. i fell ill at a critical time in my life: i already left home and went away for school so an adolescent support group wasn't for me. other groups had older members who weren't struggling with the same issues as mine. they were more concerned with how their illness affected their marriages, or their parenting abilities.
i on the other hand, have finished my education, and achieved a sense of psychological independence and autonomy. but i haven't been able to get life started in other ways. so often it feels like i'm starting out my adult life on the wrong foot: in terms of my social life, my love life, career, and financially. that makes me really self-conscious. no matter how sympathetic, a lot of people simply can't fathom where i'm at. but then i guess it's hard to comprehend when you're not the one dealing with it.
i'm mourning the person i was before all of this and simultaneously grieving for what might--and should-- have been, and the person i think i would have become without this. if you'd asked me 3, 5, or 10 years ago what my life would be like today, the picture i'd have painted would be totally different from what actually is. it hurts. it's painful to me. and it's the type of unspoken pain i don't share with people because it stings me so much.
i need for people to understand that it takes more time than one might imagine to work through towards acceptance. i'm able to step back and look at myself with enough objectivity to realize that i'm in the midst of that process. give me time and be patient with me because i still need to question things, cry, get angry and ask "why".
i think hearing from laura renewed a sense of hope. i guess it's because she went through this process earlier in life, having been diagnosed at 13, and going through chemotherapy at 15. so although she's still traveling a difficult road, she's farther along than i am and maybe i can learn from her.
she's in remission, so maybe it's still possible for me. she's been blessed with a loving husband and three beautiful children. that gives me hope that i still might one day have those things too.
i'm encouraged to hear that her pregnancies were fine and her kids are healthy. if i have babies one day, i want an uneventful pregnancy. and more than anything else, i want for my children to enjoy the gift of good health. there is no $$ value that can be attached to wellness because it's the most fundamental thing, and so many people don't give it a second thought. i never want my kids to know this kind of suffering.
it was helpful to hear laura tell me about how, despite having little control over a lot of her physical health, she's been able to achieve a sense of control over her spiritual, mental, emotional, and nutritional health. i guess i needed to hear that it's possible. but no one else can do it for me--only i can make sense of this, and come to terms with how i feel about my illness. i'm determined to grow stronger and know that i eventually will... as long as i can shed my blind spots, and stop this battle with myself. more than anything i want to find inner peace and calm. once i'm at peace, i'll know that i've finally come to terms with things.
i've got no regrets about reconnecting. it was the right thing to do. and it's such a good feeling.
