dilemma: do i reconnect or not?
goodness, where do i even begin with this? i've probably written before about my ambivalence towards being in touch with people i went to h.s. or college with. ever since things took the turn they did with me a few years ago, it's been tough.
on one hand, the extravert in me absolutely loves hearing from people and learning about what they're up to these days. it's wonderful to reconnect with people i used to hang out with/study with/see on a daily basis, whatever, etc.
on the other hand, despite my fondness for, and wonderful memories of so many of these individuals, i've wanted to go into hiding the past few years. i hold back a lot more nowadays. maybe it's not rational, though it's probably understandable that i've wanted to lay low for a while, given what's been happening. i don't like it much. despite having gone on to accomplish a lot of things, i'm left with a vague sense of inadequacy.
it doesn't help to be seeing more and more people writing to me telling me that they've just had baby #2 or child #3. they're all suburban soccer moms now. or rather, they're the career women who "have it all"...the SUV, the brand new house, and what have you.
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here's the dilemma:
where am i going with all this?
in fall 1994, just days before starting my junior year of college, i was initially diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome/fibromyalgia. it wasn't until 2000 that i learned it was actually an overlapping lupus/arthritis variant instead.
so lupus wasn't really on my radar during those last two years of college. at the time, however, one of my classmates, laura, asked me on several occasions "are they sure it's not (lupus)?", etc. the reason was that she herself had lupus. at the time, i didn't give it much thought.
all i remember was her telling me that she had been diagnosed in high school. despite being on the college field hockey team, she told me she had to be extremely careful in sunlight. she also told me that she had been advised to avoid oral contraceptives since estrogen caused flare-ups. (my rheumatologist also told me to discontinue the pill and consider alternative birth control methods).
the tricky thing about this condition is that each person experiences it differently. for some, it's only a mild annoyance. for others, it's fatal. some, like myself, are debilitated by crushing fatigue and constant fevers and headaches as a chief symptom. others have mainly rashes.
well, today i heard from laura, who updated me on what she's been up to these days. thus, i was reminded of her and what we now have in common (though she doesn't know it). i haven't talked to her since graduation, but given what i know now, in a way, i'd *really* like to talk to her...to find out about how she's dealt with her own condition since then. i don't know if she'd be willing to talk to me. i don't know how she'd react if i told her what's happened since then. i want to reply to her message before too long. but what do i say? i'm in a dilemma:
given that i've wanted to keep (my situation) more private than public, i'm not sure what i want to do or say:
should i write back to laura or do i let this chance slip by? will she be willing to share any pearls of wisdom (about dealing with the illness)? what should i do? oh dear, i wish i could decide. i really don't know what to do.
