platinum or titanium? a true picture
will it take a platinum or titanium d-land membership for me to gain access to the site?
i'm super grumpy today and being locked out from my diary isn't helping matters. we're talking pms minus the "p". i also have a killer headache, a fever and joint pain.
today i've been extremely busy editing photos, and creating albums and cd's. speaking of which, one reason i've been so hesitant to send out photos that show my face despite pressure from a lot of people here, is that it makes me sad...sad because having something like this is enough to make even the most beautiful person feel unattractive. that damn prednisone ruined my self-image, even though i've finally lost all of the weight and more. that's not even the issue anymore.
my disability is an invisible one. to the average person, i look just like any other healthy 20-something. thankfully. but it's a cruel trick to know how deceiving looks can be and to see me looking so typical and yet know that my energy level, pain, etc. are anything but typical.
i'm starting to realize that until i come to terms with my illness, maybe i'll never be able to accept that the person in so many photos of myself (taken a few years ago) will never come back. the girl staring out at me from my own photos isn't the same person today. too much has changed. i've changed. my outlook on life has changed. although i try so hard--my best--to stay cheerful, positive, optimistic, hopeful or whatever...things are very different now. i'm not as starry-eyed and naively sunny as i once was. i wonder if things are too far gone. it scares me to see what having lupus and arthritis is doing to my personality, my outlook, my confidence. i don't like it at all.
i think what i'm sorting through nowadays is an inevitable part of growing up and coming to terms with having something like this when you're young. my diary is just one place for me to chronicle it and vent my frustration as it happens. it's a long process i never anticipated. i was cocky enough to think that with my chronic illness, i was somehow going to prove myself the exception to the rule. how WRONG i was.
sure, last month i teased a lot of people with my split photos and ones where i covered my face, blacked it out or had my back to the camera. i've been terrified of sending out photos that don't hide my face for a variety of reasons but what i mentioned above has been the main hindrance. now i'm ready to say "screw it". no, i'd never post a piture here on my page. but the photos of me aren't really "me" anymore, so what does it matter if i send them to everyone at this point?
