losses and not being sure what to say
i had a wonderful time this weekend and promise to write more in an update later on. it's late and i want to get to bed in a few minutes.
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however, i wanted to address something i read in two diaries in the past week here (hopefully you both know who you are). you both mentioned dealing w/ the loss or impending loss of a friend who is your age.
although i signed your guestbooks, there are really no "right" words. i also think that b/c most people our age have never experienced that type of loss, it's isolating to believe none of your peers can relate. after all, things like that aren't "supposed to happen".
along those lines, i'll share something here that i haven't talked about to anyone until now:
last fall, i received official notification that a college classmate died after a lengthy battle with cancer. i recall being stunned and numb when i found the envelope in my mailbox and opened the enclosed letter. my heart sank and jaw dropped when i realized what my eyes were reading. i didn't personally know her, and in fact, didn't even know what she looked like. i think she may have left school due to cancer, which may explain why i didn't recognize her name or face. nonetheless, as one of you mentioned in your diary, it was "sobering", and sad to think that someone my age had lost their life. it also made me realize how lucky i truly am despite having worries of my own. it made me think about a lot of other things as well.
since i believed it was inappropriate to blab and share this info with my friends as though it were ordinary gossip, i've kept mum about it this whole time. in some ways this has been hard. the news shocked me a bit, so it took some time for to process it. it's a weird feeling...to know someone your age is, or will be, gone like that. so this is the first time i'm even able to write about it in my diary.
so,i'm not sure what i want to say to the two of you here--or anyone else reading who needs to hear it and for whom it's relevant. i guess, don't be afraid to write or talk about it if you have to. maybe i want you to know that in a way, you're not alone. i do know the shock value of learning that type of news. reading your diary entries helped me to write about this stuff i wasn't able to write about before. it prompted me to confront this stuff i wasn't able to put into words last november.
in any case, i hope that this helps both of you deal with that sadness in some way.
(to d: i think it sounds like you are being/have been the best friend you know how, and so she can't ask for more than that. if you feel guilty, it's normal, but realize you haven't done anything wrong. but what a terrible thing to have to experience).
