imbalanced and deficient and hurting
*skip this entry if emotional writing turns you off b/c i'm imbalanced, deficient and hurting a lot*
i'm no longer snowbound. and i just finished reading a bunch of diaries, almost all of which either wrote about joe millionaire or the snowstorm, or both. so i'll be different and write about neither.
i made it to today's acupuncture appointment, and it's true, i'm imbalanced and deficient. apparently yin deficiencies are a hallmark of autoimmune illnesses, creating an excess of yang. but over time one deficiency ultimately becomes a deficiency of the other (or both). that's where i'm at.
it makes me wonder if i'll ever make it back to normalcy and wellness or if the road laid out ahead of me will always be winding and rough and long. sometimes getting even a little bit better seems impossible, like climbing mt. everest. it's so discouraging to know that i'm doing everything right and yet still either get worse or stay the same. for every 1 good day, i have 30 bad ones. is there something i'm failing to see? did i miss something? i'm seriously questioning if i'm strong enough to get through this or if my illness is ultimately meant to make me hang my head in defeat and in shame. it's humbling enough to be unable to work...to become disabled. by default, you become marginalized by society.
aside from people i've "met" here who have similar problems to mine, i know that the rest of the people reading me probably have never, ever been around someone w/ a chronic illness or disability, and thankfully so. you've probably never given much throught to the fact that w/o health, there is nothing else to build your life upon. or how, in the blink of an eye, it can all be gone if you don't look out for yourself--or worse--through no fault of your own, your body starts to fail you.
my sister only learned it a couple of years ago when she got a phone call from her college roommate who had been diagnosed w/ breast cancer at the age of 29, and gone through chemotherapy. she's now in remission but now always lives in fear that it could come back w/ a vengeance. it was sobering for my sister to get an added perspective on chronic illness: different from the detached view she gets at work as a doctor *and* also different from what she's seen me as a family member go through. since then, she's met two more people (outside of a work context) who had breast cancer before the age of 35.
unless you've had someone close to you fall ill, especially in the prime of their life, don't even begin to tell me you understand. you absolutely don't. i'm *not* trying to offend anyone by saying that. what i'm trying to convey is how isolating it is to have this happen to me. i'm truly thankful for the narrow circle of friends (mostly scattered across the country) who have stood by me through thick and thin. but it still hurts me to think about people who felt too uncomfortable and awkward around me to continue reaching out. they didn't know what to say. it's the biggest insult to have people distance themselves from you when you need them the most. when a snake bites you in the ass you find out who your true friends are. for all i know, hypothetically, some of you might distance yourselves or want nothing to do w/ me if we were real-life friends or acquaintances.
just know that it hurts. it makes me sad. not bitter. but sad. and sadder to know that if i were in perfect health i might not give much thought to the issue either.
