negative attitudes
i'm wiped out and have a fever and killer headache right now and am unhappy. what's *wrong* with me? at least the antibiotics are finally helping the pneumonia clear up. it's been stubborn.
now though, i'm dreading friday b/c that's the day i have to go to the doctor to get some kidney function tests done. i'm absolutely dreading it. i almost don't want to know the results but i know it's like sticking my head in the sand. i don't know. why do i try so hard to fight it all? all of my efforts to be as healthy as possible haven't yet paid off in the form of a remission. unless you believe i'd be 10x worse w/o my positive attitude and all of my determination to feel well. funny how i used to always believe i'd be someone who would go into remission. and further back, when they still thought this was chronic fatigue syndrome, i thought i'd certainly lift out of it w/in a few years. how naive!
how could i have been *so stupid* not to see that my life path would be a longer, tougher road and that it wasn't going to be easy??!?!? i'm sure anyone who reads this is going to think the same thing and ridicule me for truly believing i'd actually feel completely well in no time. "chronic" illness wasn't in my lexicon for the longest time. i had no concept of it. how stupidly arrogant i was. is there anyone else w/ lupus/arthritis who was as naive as i was? i'm smarter now. not pessimistic maybe, but in a way more cynical. i know better. i'm regaining my footing after being suckerpunched w/ my diagnosis. i'll never be so naive again. hopeful and optimistic, but never so naive.
now this is terrible but i find myself wondering if all of my efforts, medications, healthy lifestyle, acupuncture, and good attitude will all go down the drain and my kidneys will ultimately fail anyway and i'll die young? *omg: did i actually type that out and say that????* no i haven't given up hope. no i really *haven't* become pessimistic. but i'm incredibly discouraged these days b/c i'm so debilitated.
i don't know. i'm just feeling kind of empty and down today.
