spew
but right now i'm just seething and so upset i came here to vent and cool down. my parents and i had a big blowout argument over me combining alcohol and my medications. i drank wine this evening. also, before the argument, my dad commented on how much wine i'd had and yeah, i was tipsy and all giggly. he then said i better not turn into an alcoholic. (!?!?) no one in my family is pickled and so as far as genes go, i'm not at risk.
at the risk of sounding like a foolishly arrogant, "it can't happen to me" teenager, don't they know i'm too smart to get into trouble w/ that shit???? why can't they just chill and back off?? i sure as hell know how to handle my liquor. in an ideal world, given my health problems maybe i should completely abstain. but i'm not willing to go to that extreme. call me stubborn but i do really love wine in particular. i've been on various medications since my health problems began at age 20. and i've been acquainted w/ alcohol at least as long. sure, maybe it's like playing russian roulette. but from plenty of previous experience, i think i know my liquor limits and boy do i know them well. if i get drunk it's not b/c i've ingested large frat-boy quantities. one or two drinks hit me fast given my physical size and other factors (which earned me a lot of teasing and nicknames, and for which i endured a few quite embarrassing incidents as an undergrad). i'm a responsible, light, social drinker. yes i've imbibed too much in the past but again, i outgrew it for the most part after college. by the time we all turned 21, the novelty was gone.
i can't help but think that what transpired tonight results from something larger at play: that my illness has undeniably changed our family dynamics. we've always been close, and i've always had a great relationship w/ mom & dad. but lately i'm really seeing that my illness has brought us closer in many ways while also adding in a lot of tension. this is so difficult for me to write about b/c it's so personal and intimate. you can only know it if you've been through something like this and been personally affected by (illness). sometimes i feel like my parents worry about me TOO much. i guess it's a natural reaction to worry about your children and want to shield them from danger, harm or suffering. but sometimes lately, i feel like they're trying to overprotect me and reign me back in, in a way they wouldn't if i were any other average 20-something. that leaves me feeling smothered. i can't really put my finger on it. i guess it's their attitude. maybe they're trying to grasp at something to control and in a way i actually do understand it. an open-ended chronic illness makes one realize that there are some things beyond your control. and maybe they wish they had control over this situation. i certainly wish i had control over this illness b/c if i did, i wouldn't be sick at all. i really *am* trying my best to get well and keep a good attitude, and i wish people would see that. i'll fight as hard as i have to and will *never* give in..at least not w/o kicking and screaming. no, i'm stronger than my illness. never, ever underestimate my strength and willpower. i still believe i can overcome even the largest obstacles.
oh goodness, i know i'm loved dearly and i'm afraid that saying all this stuff about my parents makes me sound extremely ungrateful for all they have done to help make my life w/ this goddamn arthritis/lupus variant that much easier and more bearable. after all, my whole family has been my biggest support system --and w/o their invaluable help, support and love, i wouldn't be where i am today.
last month, i was here and walked in while my mom was on the phone w/ my sister. i saw her crying and heard her telling (my sis) how painful it was for her to watch me suffer as much as i have and how much it scares her that i have kidney involvement, etc. my mom is a tough cookie and to see her in tears over me absolutely tore me up. it stung worse than anything i'd ever felt, and it was like a knife tearing through me. no words can really describe it. i felt terrible. i made my mom cry. it makes me hate myself sometimes because it's like i've failed somehow. i've disappointed my loved ones. i've disappointed myself. having a chronic illness makes me feel defective and flawed. i know it's not right for me to think these things and that it's not true (i hope not, anyway). and it makes me feel terrible about tonight, and about the christmas eve discussion we had about my slipppery slope body image stuff. i'm not trying to give those who are closest to me such a tough time. i just need understanding and some space to work through and resolve a lot of stuff on my own, and my parents need to respect the boundary i've drawn. am i the only person my age to get so annoyed by my parents at times? or is it b/c of my illness? i feel like i'm too old for the type of tension that i thought was behind me once i left my teens, grew up and left home for school. maybe the heart of the matter is that getting sick has forced me back into being a kid again and has sort of forced my parents back into the role of being "parents" or "caregivers" when they should be enjoying their lives w/ me and my sister both out of the house and on our own.
i don't know. tonight isn't even about the alcohol. it's not about the longstanding body image issues. it's not about my medications. it's everything put together as a result of my illness. it affects how my parents relate to me and it's killing me to see that. i wish someone understood where i was coming from b/c it makes me feel all alone.
maybe i'll truly understand and appreciate my parents one day if/when i have my own children. only then will i really know what it's like to worry as only a parent can, to feel the instinctive need to protect my child as only a mom can, and to hurt when my child is in pain as only a parent probably can. yes i'd really like to become a mother one day if it's meant to happen and the circumstances are right. but one thing i don't think i can bear to see is my own daughter (or son) suffering from the autoimmune problems i have, and i can only hope that i never pass on this genetic legacy to them.
i don't know. it hurts a lot to be where i am right now. and i'm running out of words. and it's hard to believe i'm actually writing this entry out in a place where people i don't even know will get a glimpse into my mind and into thoughts i never actually share with anyone. what else can i say?????
goodnight.
