struggles

wow. i don't know if it's possible to find the right words to say today. why are so many people struggling with various difficulties in their lives?

sometimes i get wrapped up in my own problems and worry that what i've been experiencing will make/has made me such a selfish self-absorbed person. i bitch plenty about having had to taste a type of suffering that most people my age (thankfully) never have to.

then, i start reading other people's diaries and see that there are so many people dealing with hardships that come in different forms from my own and it affects me in a way that's hard to describe.

today i found out that someone had a miscarriage and didn't even know she had been pregnant. there were no words to describe the loss, numbness, or emptiness. what am i really trying to say? i guess this entry is a kind of pointless vent for me right now. if only i sounded more coherent. maybe another user (you know who you are) was right when she told me that regardless of intentions, my diary would touch a lot of people.

and i guess that is exactly what a lot of other members' writings have done to me. it's touched my heart in a powerful way i didn't quite believe was possible, esp. online, until now. it's easy to forget how many people see your journal on any given day and start reading you and start feeling like they know you and get attached to you.

and having said that, i wanted to update people who are curious about how i'm doing: i've been advised to go back onto a medication that i had discontinued due to intolerable side effects. i have to be on it to keep my kidney damage from progressing--maybe even reverse it if i'm lucky. but the side effects are really unpleasant and gettting to be too much again and i feel crappy and want to just go off of it. but there's always this fear in the back of my head that i could potentially risk losing my kidneys if i'm so casual about it. and it's sobering. that scares me a lot. it shouldn't be like this b/c i'm 28. it makes me feel like i am indeed defective and have failed in some way although i can't really explain it any better than that.