runover

wow. i really feel like i've been run over by a huge mack truck. it was impossible to get out of bed. sorry, but if you haven't been here and never experienced the fatigue of chronic illness, then you absolutely don't know what this type of fatigue is like. it's *beyond* tired. it's different from the fatigue from completing ironman or something like it. a hard day at the office is nothing in comparison. maybe the best way to describe it is that it's like a huge elephant is sitting on me and smothering me while something is sucking all the vitality out of my bloodstream, and my arms and legs are strapped down. i'm enveloped in an oppressive blanket of fatigue and it threatens to swallow me up like a giant tidal wave. if there's *anything* i want most, it's to have stamina--just the stamina of an average person my age would be nice and i don't think it's too much to ask for. days like today really make me wonder if i really can conquer this. it's like these days i waver between an optimistic "can do" attitude that no obstacle is too large to overcome (which is what has propelled me over the years). other days i totally wonder if i can lick this. if anything is obvious from following my earlier entries, it's that this past year has hit me especially hard--the feeling that it's all wearing me down and a tremendous sense of disappointment and disillusionment as i've realized that hard work, optimism, and playing by the rules and doing what the doctor recommends sometimes aren't enough. i've really had to confront those feelings and thoughts honestly and am trying to work through it but it's difficult. it makes me wonder when i'll ever be well enough to go back to work--even halftime. it makes me look at other people my age--my healthy peers--through totally different eyes. sometimes it kills me to see healthy friends who waste so much time and energy and productivity and who don't put their abilities to good use and apply themselves, and who take their mundane workdays for granted and bitch and gripe about it all. i wish i could just shake them and ask them what the fuck they're doing with their lives and their boundless energy. what i'd give to be like them--an average 28 y.o.......

i went swimming the other day and it was like i was swimming upstream against a current. but i forced myself to do 28 laps (which sucks for me)--7 in each stroke. yesterday i went running although it was only a short run. tonight is my yoga class, which i hope helps me out some.