losing my footing
someone please help me right now!!!
i feel like crying out for help b/c
i'm totally losing my footing on this slippery slope. i'm still at my parents' house and this evening they asked me about the slippery slope issue again. i know they're concerned about me but wish they'd back off. it's too hard to talk about it to anyone even though it's an enormous burden to carry around all bottled up inside. maybe diaryland people understand me. my parents are too perceptive and i really feel like going to my room, locking it and hanging up the "do not disturb" sign i stole from a marriott many years ago ( probably when i really was a moody adolescent). besides, at age 28 it's none of their business. i really can handle it on my own b/c i lifted myself out of it through sheer will in the past. part of it is that i relapse and stop eating when i'm stressed out. but then i start making excuses for it to cover up the problem (e.g. i'm too tired to eat, etc. etc. etc.) and it starts spinning out of control. i know it's going to be necessary to work through this and at least get a grip on it before even thinking of working with others who bring these same issues into sessions with me at work. i think that what scares me the most is working with clients who are so similar to myself and who want to work on issues that i have personally struggled with. it elicits a lot of strong feelings and discomfort when i find myself in sessions with students and clients and feel like i'm looking into a mirror and seeing so much of myself in that person. i hope that maybe resolving a lot of my own long-standing insecurities and getting to know myself better at this point in my life can ultimately make me a better helper. i think that i was too arrogant and cocky going into grad school and training because i thought i could help others like myself, but didn't realize i still had blind spots and didn't realize that in some sense i was going in as a wounded healer. apparently it's not uncommon in those who chose the helping or health related professions. sometimes we make the best helpers because of our own experiences and heightened empathy, but only after we first get to know ourselves best. i guess that's where i'm at professionally when i say i'm at a career crossroads. it would be a real shame to lose my footing at this critical juncture. just when i might possibly stabilize through my investment in acupuncture, plaquenil and regular exercise, i know deep down that i can't afford to destroy it all. to do so would be stupid--like building a sand castle and throwing water on it and watching it crumble into the ocean. it would amount to self-inflicted pain.
i'm holding on with all my might so i never fall back into the dark days of disordered eating. perhaps i can ultimately come out of this struggle, and also out of autoimmune problems, healthier than ever before and with more balance in my life.
