holiday updates and deep digressions
the holidays really seemed to sneak up on everyone this year and it was all such a whirlwind and now that it's over, there's this sort of anti-climactic feeling. maybe it's because thanksgiving came so late and left only a few weeks to get ready for christmas.
thanksgiving was okay for us in and of itself. but i think that that everything was thrown off kilter when one of my parents' friends (dad's colleague) called to say that her husband had dropped dead earlier that day (at the age of 60). he was out of town tending to his boat down near charleston, south carolina when he had a sudden heart attack and collapsed and died on his boat. she got a call from the police saying that they had found her husband. it's so awful. the call came just as we were getting ready to sit down for dinner. the timing couldn't have been more impeccable. i felt so bad. the day had been okay. then towards evening the phone rang and i picked it up and there was no one there and so i hung up assuming someone had gotten the wrong number. a few minutes later the phone rang again and my mom answered it and i heard her say "oh, no, i'm so sorry", etc...i stood and listened for a while and it was obvious what had happened. i think that when i answered the phone our friend had was probably too choked up with tears to say anything and probably had to compose herself before calling our number again. i went back over to my apt after thanksgiving weekend and so didn't attend the memorial service, but my parents did.
i can't describe it but i think it was a real downer to start off what is easily the most festive time of the year. isn't it something? how something like this had a ripple effect and affected us more than one might imagine? and i didn't really know her husband at all--only met him a few times. yet, his death really didn't help us get into any real holiday mood. maybe something like this made us think about all of our blessings and give some extra thought on thanksgiving to those who have lost something or someone in the past year. it was kind of solemn and somber.
my parents first met this couple about thirty years ago and remember that they were about 30 yrs. old at the time. especially as i look towards the age of 30, it's so strange to think that all of these colleagues and people my parents are friends with were only about my age (or even younger) when they first met, and now some of them are gone. in the blink of an eye they're gone. it's as simple as that.
you then start to realize that even though you're young, there is a critical time in which to accomplish certain goals in your life like having a fulfilling career, meeting your soulmate and life's partner, having children, and all that...and if the timing is off and you get derailed for any number of reasons, you can so easily miss the boat. it's like you make one wrong turn and everything screws up and you get lost.
it's almost like when i was in seattle in july. i was driving down highway 99/aurora and i wanted to make a left turn because there was no indication on my map that i couldnt. instead i found that there were barriers dividing the highway and so i was stuck going way down south past where i wanted to go and i had to go get onto the interstate to get to my destination. i usually don't get flustered easily by stuff like that, but at that moment behind the wheel, i burst into tears as i realized i had gotten lost in an unfamiliar city in the industrial port/ship yard part of town.
anyway, the timing in my life being thrown off really frustrates and pisses me off. i've lost what should be the best and probably most energetic decade of my life to illness. in my case it wasn't my own wrongdoing. yet the result is almost the same as if i'd made tons of unwise decisions or lacked focus and ability and didn't apply myself. i'm sorry, but i went to a good school for undergrad. where i did pretty well and was also very active outside the classroom, and then earned my master's at a respected grad. school with a 3.98 GPA and two honor society memberships and yet here i am--disabled! rightly or wrongly i feel a sense of entitlement to some kind of sweet success in life because i worked my butt off to get this far despite having physical obstacles in my face for so much of it. i hope that feeling this way doesn't turn me into an ugly person because i really do have a good warm heart and calm,rational, fair mind. and, believe it or not, most of the time i truly don't feel so militant and angry. but it's like with a chronic illness my voice gets silenced and that absolutely kills me.
(sorry for the digression.).
christmas came and went. it was a pretty good day although i'm afraid that the stress in my life made me more preoccupied than i'd have liked. but as always christmas gave us a chance that we don't get too often to spend quality time together as an entire family. it was a great week to be lazy, to catch up on stuff in each other's lives, sleep a lot and eat a lot. i did a lot of baking. it's always so nice to relax and try to forget about work or other troubles.
my sister came to visit and it was so great to see her and talk a lot about this and that.
on christmas eve we had a huge discussion at home about something i mentioned in my slippery slope entry. it was really uncomfortable for me and i didn't really want to have that discussion. i feel so bad that my family feels the need to walk on eggshells around me when it comes to that particular topic. i guess i'll know it's resolved when they no longer feel that way and when we can have an open dialogue on it. otherwise christmas eve was beautiful. the lights on the tree were so pretty, and i played some christmas music on the piano but unfortunately it made me sad that my fingers got all arthritic and red, swollen and painful. it was never like that before.
on christmas we woke up and opened presents and got our stockings under the tree. it was really special. we played around with a new digital camera, which was fun.
the next day was my parent's anniversary. it was so sweet to see them celebrate it and know that they're still so in love with each other. it sounds sappy but they really are soulmates. now that i'm older and can look at them with more objectivity i really do see how much they complement one another and how strong an alliance they are as a couple. they are truly best friends and equal partners and i'd like to think it has given me a good role model for healthy relationships in my own life. i hope that one day i can experience that same kind of happiness and comfort with another person if it's meant to happen. their marriage really is full of mutal respect and admiration and affection that runs deeper than anything. i think to this day, my parents would go to the ends of the earth for one another, just as they would have when they first met. i was incredibly moved by the card my dad wrote my mom. he's so poetic and it just touched me so much to see my mom read it and put on the most beautiful necklace my dad bought for her.
i think it filled me with a twinge of sadness to wonder if, when they got together, they ever imagined they'd have me--a daughter who was in imperfect health and a source of worry--out of all the possible genetic combinations that can result from a union. they couldn't have known. does it disillusion them? while i know i've been a source of incredible pride for them, and that i bring them a lot of happiness, that question blows me away and fills me with even more questions. i look at some of their old pictures from before they married, and from their wedding, and those questions kind of make me sad.
i managed to run several times during the holidays and have lost a couple of pounds rather than gained. unfortunately, getting caught up in the excitement and rush of the season has given me a setback. i also have gone two weeks w/o acupuncture and so probably need to rebuild what's been lost.
also saw the harry potter movie. chamber of secrets is, in my opinion, as good as the first movie. it stayed pretty true to the book and i can't wait until the next book comes out. jk rowling is just so skillful at weaving everything together and mentioning little things in her books that seem insignificant but later on (often in a later book) hold great meaning. and i love how she writes in such a way that you can picture all of the characters and what they must look like. the actors and actresses in the movie were chosen well for their roles.
new year's is here and i'm thinking about a recap of 2002 and how i want 2003 to turn out. but as my fingers hurt i need to go do other stuff.
