Turning to Fall & Rejecting the Rust
My last entry here was while I was on vacation. It now seems like a distant memory, but the breathtaking images of Aspen and Maroon Bells National Park will stick in my mind. I've never been to Colorado in autumn, but would one day love to see the mountains when the aspen trees are displaying their brilliant yellow. Winter arrives quickly in the Rocky Mts though, and some of the mountain passes close for the season b/c they become impassable once the first (of many) snowfall comes.
In the day to day, life is good. There are lots of little joys. From another angle, there is still a lot of uncertainty. I am continuing on here as a 2nd year post-doc educational researcher. After that, who knows? This economy makes me worry that much more about the long-term. But right now, on the personal front, I'm taking a huge breath and starting to realize that maybe what my good friend, Cindy, says is true--that the universe puts you in a place and there's a reason and it's just what it is even if you don't know it. Along those lines, I'm also increasingly realizing that things always happen for a reason.
Maybe what I'm also trying to say is this: now that it's been a couple of months since I made the huge decision not to take the University of Michigan job, time has given me added clarity and perspective on the whole thing. I'm still 100% certain I made the right choice of not taking the position. The fact that I'm not really thinking about the "what ifs" that would be realities if I'd decided differently, confirms it....as does the fact that I felt 1,000,000 pounds lighter after I officially finalized it. At the time, of course, what made it hard was that there was a "halo". I wondered if I was crazy for giving up the opportunity because it was the U of M, after all, and not many people even get granted an interview, much less an opportunity to get a faculty position there. If your goal is to teach/research at a top tier, serious research institution, UMich is it. But the details and fine print and conditions were all wrong, and I'm glad I recognized it. I'm completely at peace with my choice. Even if others might have done differently. I'm able to cut some losses and have better clarified what types of positions I'm willing to take within academia if I go that route. Another thing is that I also feel more confident having been through this, having been courted by a top player in the academic job market game. It's totally affirming.
It's so crazy to have felt so torn about that decision, esp b/c I am a counselor myself. I used to counsel and advise my clients/student through important decisions all the time, but it's different when the tables turn, and you're the one in that position, right? All of the things I told my students, when I worked at the university career services office, about weighing values and evaluating job offers....I had to call upon all of that myself back in July. Tough. I never envy having to make hard decisions.
I have more specific and personal reasons for being glad I bought myself additional time in Charlottesville instead of moving to Ann Arbor. Now I worry about my mom, who is getting a cardiovascular workup and needs to go in for additional diagnostics. It stresses me out, but also makes me realize how thankful I am to be here in case she and my dad need me the way I was able to help out when my dad had surgery last year. So yeah, my happiness at staying in Virginia definitely goes beyond the fact that I'm not hardy enough (or willing) to put up with harsh, snowy, cold, midwest winters. I barely make it to work on time as it is. I can't imagine having to get up when it's still dark out, and minus 5 degrees, to shovel my driveway and dig my car out from the snow, and then defrost the windshield before work. I rejected a chance to live in the U. S. Rust Belt where people are making a mass exodus to sunnier warmer climates. Having said that, I always hear good things about Ann Arbor, so I'm not completely crazy for having applied there. It, and maybe Chicago, are just about the only places, I would theoretically consider living in Midwest.
Meanwhile, there are many day to day details that make life so full and good: the fall arts/craft fair, the recent vegetarian festival, apple picking, fall harvests from my own garden, my dad's recent milestone birthday just over a week ago, time with family and with various friends. My dad. I can't believe he's the age he just turned--because, amazingly, he looks 15-20 years younger than he really is.
On another note, is it normal to have a crazy nesting instinct in autumn? (And no I'm not pregnant). And no I don't just mean cooler weather and earlier sunset makes me want to stay home and make/eat soup. Lately, the change of seasons has found me full of an uncharacteristic energy to clean and organize like crazy. Whatever it is, it feels good, and I'm realizing a lot of things in the process of fall cleaning. More on that another day I guess.
