Acrobatics
The thing is, four years ago, when I applied and was accepted to Ph.D. programs, there was a great deal of uncertainty and fear of not knowing exactly where I'd end up. The difference between then and now is that in 2006, I knew for certain that wherever I landed, it would be in one of eight places: Charlottesville, VA; Palo Alto, CA; Boston, MA; Chapel Hill, NC; College Park, MD; Sate College, PA; Seattle, WA; or Ann Arbor, MI. Fortunately, most of those places gave me acceptances, giving me some options, and yet there was safety in feeling like I had some control in that process.
This time around, there's a lot more uncertainty thanks to a bad economy and resulting dismal job market in academia. I've been scanning job postings and announcements since this fall, and it's slim pickings, especially for tenure-track assistant professor positions in my field. It probably doesn't help that I'm picky in terms of geography and in terms of my idea of what the right "fit" is. Some people are open to moving anywhere they need to for a job. But I'm not. "Fit" is important, just as that right "spark" is important when you're dating and you're looking to meet the person who is "right" for you. Everything can look good when described on paper, but you just don't know enough until you feel out the details to get a better sense.
I'm scared because this time (ideally), it's not just a finite amount of time, like 3 or 4 or 5 years that I'm committing to. This time it's real. For all practical purposes, I am finally going to have to choose a place to settle down "permanently" (or at least for the long haul--and hope that I don't turn out to absolutely hate it). This time it's a serious committment, and I feel like everything is on my shoulders, and so much rides on picking the right place. I can't even begin.
What complicates matters is that due to the tight academic job market, I may have no choice but to do a post-doctoral fellowship, and while many people would LOVE that opportunity, I have very strong feelings about that option, which arise out of personal circumstances and where I am in my life. It stresses me out too much to talk about it. In short, I'm too old to pack up and move someplace knowing that it's only for a year or two and that I'll have to move again after the fellowship is over. I might be open to it if I were in my 20's or even early 30's. It's time to put down roots at least somewhat permanently.
It stresses me out a lot, and there's more to tell you but it makes me too emotional, and too panicky to lay it out here.
The bottom line is that I'm reluctant to move. I love this place. And yet part of me maybe wonders or even knows deep down that my time is done here and maybe I need to move on to grow professionally, personally. Maybe I should feel grateful that I stayed in this town for as long as I did, and, actually, somewhat unexpectedly. And even if I stay, many of my friends from school will inevitably move away when they finish, and that, too, makes me feel so not grounded.
There are no easy answers, and maybe things work themselves out in the way that they should and I'll do the right thing ("right" for me). I just need a listening ear here. It's like walking across a balance beam, high up, putting one foot in front of the other, but feeling wobbly and like you could tip over and tumble off so very easily.I only hope there's a net below.
