Full Stomach, Full Hips, Full Circle, Full Glass....

Thanksgiving. One of my favorite holidays. It means: family time, cozy warmth, good food, tradition, reflection, a break from work/school. Ours was good--complete with a traditional feast. I'm thankful for a list of things--most importantly, for the people in my life (family and friends). All of it got me thinking about how being thankful is often so much about seeing the glass half full and not half empty, realizing at times that even when things don't seem to be what we wish they were or what they should be, they *could* be worse. And often, that's how I live life, trying to think positive. It's gotten me through some tough times and over some hurdles.

But I have a confession tonight. I'm really struggling to take my own advice and be positive right now, in light of the fact that I'm about to be referred to an endocrinologist. There is good in many other areas of my life, and I am so blessed in those ways. But the reasons behind the endocrinology referral make me unhappy and disappointed.

You know that autoimmune/rheumatologic stuff has loomed large in my adult life, and is the main reason I first became "Emeraldtiger" in 2002, in my late 20's, to process what was happening to me. I (in real life), along with Emeraldtiger, have evolved since those angsty blogger days. I thought it was finally and sufficiently something I had left in the past (or come to terms with). So, it's really painful to have these new things crop up, and to again feel like I did seven years ago.

I cannot understand how BOTH of my legs (tibias) ended up broken/fractured, or why, given the way I exercise and eat (other than on Thanksgiving!), I've been steadily gaining weight enough to warrant an endocrine workup. It really is as bad as it was when I was dealing with the awful side-effects of prednisone, the drug-from-hell. Never once through this all have I seriously questioned until now why this is happening to me. I always think of people who have much much worse things going on before being immature enough to say "why me"?

So I'm biting my tongue when that urge to ask WHY this is happening hits me. Instead, I'm re-framing it to sound slightly less immature, by asking HOW? I exercise on the elliptical machine or swim 50 minutes 5x/week. I eat 1400-1500 calories a day (not new--I always have as a way of life, so I never imagined I'd end up overweight doing so). I eat organic food and get 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day. I take calcium. I get acupuncture. I am generally a happy person. I drink tea. I drink 8 glasses or more of water and rarely go for sweet calorie-laden drinks or soda. I don't smoke, I slather on SPF 45, and I only drink alcohol lightly, and when I do, it's often an antioxidant-rich glass of wine.

What gives????????????? The bad habits I do have are related to the fact that I'm in grad school, working on my Ph.D. and am in my dissertation year. That translates into increased caffeine consumption and less sleep and tons of stress.

Maybe things have come full circle, and it's inevitable that I'm back to feeling and looking the same as when I first logged on here in 2002? Tell me to snap out of this and come to my senses, and focus on other things to be thankful for. Someone fill my glass half full, please.... With wine, perhaps.