Border-Crossings, Transitions, and Expansions.
I concluded during my visit that if I were Canadian, Vancouver would be the city I'd choose to live in). Also, as I drove through (and past) Seattle and refreshed my memory with details of things I had forgotten about what was familiar about it, I also re-confirmed my fondness of the Pacific Northwest--enough that if I could, I'd buy a summer home there. Or maybe if I end up going into academia, the next best thing would be to get an appointment as a visiting professor somewhere around there one summer. Yeah...I know what you're thinking: it's probably easier said than done.
Which brings me to something else: It's going to be weird to go back home to Charlottesville in a couple of weeks when school starts back up. A lot of my friends who were in the shorter (three-year-long) Ph.D. programs, who came in at the same time I did in 2006 graduated and moved away this month (or will be gone by the time I get back in town). It makes me a little bit sad, even though it's the nature of university towns, and I've had the unique perspective of living in the one that I do for as long as I have. It's also reminder that I may not be living there anymore a year from now if I finish my dissertation and graduate by May or August 2010.
It also makes me scared as I work on comps and look ahead to my dissertation and the job market, which I likely enter in the coming year. I need to think about the right kind of job (the right "fit" if you will). I need to seriously consider whether or not I really want an academic job or not (pros/cons), and what type. I never signed on to chase after grants and be on a relentless and unforgiving research mill that has the potential to spit you out after six or seven years if you don't generate enough grants to support your own work and publications, and leave you without job security when you're 35 (looking at 40+ by the time tenure review rolls around). But will I be selling myself short and letting people around me down if I decide I'm happy at a smaller school doing more teaching than grant-fueled research?
I need to think about geography on two counts: my parents' age scares me. I need and want to be there for them. Do you know how torn I felt when I got into Stanford in 2006 and then my Dad had his TIA that spring and went onto blood thinners (right when I was trying to decide between which coast to live on)? It scared the sh!t out of me. And as far as geography goes, I hate to say it, but I've ruled out the whole mid-section of the US (and most of the deep South) as places to consider living or moving for a job. It leaves me with either coast. Yeah.
There's a lot on my mind. While I'm ruminating....I'm seriously starting to think that NuvaRing is actually making me gain rather than lose weight. The doctor who put me onto it after that excruciating ovarian cyst (yes, the ruptured one that sent me to the ER in tears) adamantly said it wouldn't cause weight gain, but I'm starting to seriously doubt. I've extended my daily lap swims to 1.5 mile and my treadmill workouts to a full hour with arm weights. My calorie consumption falls between 1200 and 1600. These measures aren't new, as I've always lived a healthy lifestyle to prevent a "Grad-School 15" in the first place. So WHY am I starting to bust out of my clothes? This really is more than just PMS and a bean burrito. What gives? Literally ALL of my clothes are tight. 35 may be the new 25--but maybe what no one tells you is that your metabolism really does slow down. You know you've gained weight when the elastic on your underwear curls when you bend over. I want to cry.
But I won't cry. I'm going to log off and smile while downloading my Vancouver/Victoria photos.
