a crush revealed
WELL. oh my. this afternoon, i just got a hand-written letter (!) and card in the mail from one of my guy friends (who doesn't live in the same place). when i saw it in the mail, i assumed maybe it was a halloween card or something like that (since it's not my birthday and christmas is still a little while away). not that anyone typically sends me halloween cards, but...
the letter basically says that he really enjoys the time we've hung out, and that every time we've spent any time together, that feeling has grown. he said in the letter that he didn't know how else to convey it except in writing, so as not to surprise me by saying it over the phone or in person. and he's basically asking to be a part of my life and to be a part of my happiness.
so wow. yeah, but honestly, can't say i'm surprised either. we've been friends for a couple of years, but i never dated him (b/c i was dating other people and/or content being single and being my own woman (if there is such a thing as being a "content single"!). i've always considered him just a good guy friend.
although, i have to say i did/do always get the sense when i'm hanging out that he liked me. he always tried/tries to pay when we hang out, and although he never said or acted on whatever it was he may have (or i guess definitely was feeling), my intuition just always made me think that maybe he saw our "hanging out" as "dates" (or wanted them to be dates). and i guess my intuition is right--i hate to say this, but see? this proves i'm usually right when it comes to these things.
the thing is (drumroll...and this is huge for me) i'm not physically attracted to him, and therefore, purely see him as a buddy or guy friend. i totally AM flattered, no doubt. and it's true we're pretty compatible, personality-wise. he's very thoughtful and reflective, he listens well, he's very respectful of me as a woman, and we value some similar things. but is he that way towards me because he likes me? or is he generally that type of person anyway? but the sticking point is, i think, that in my mind, there's no physical spark. (trust me, if there was, i'd have acted on it long ago).
when i'm attracted (or not attracted) to someone, i know it right away. and i get criticized for this because (i've been told) i make decisions like a guy. it's like what Malcolm Gladwell describes in his book Blink. and if that's a male thing, and what guys typically do, then it's true. when i meet someone, i do unconsciously make snap decisions and either immediately cast them into "no possibility for attraction", OR "he's intriguing and a possibility" category. for me, when it comes to physical attraction, unfortunately, there is no middle ground. but a lot of my female friends, and other women i know will date someone in the hopes that maybe they'll learn to like (or fall in love with) that person's looks.
i mean, maybe it's just a really personal preference. maybe that's why i'm so picky about dating and men, and why i'm still not married. it might make me sound terribly shallow--and i'm not, b/c i know full well that physical attraction is only one facet of a relationship and ultimately you have to be compatible and friends anyway. because, when you're old and frail and gray haired (or bald in the case of a guy), and wrinkled, and your weight has crept up, it's not hotness that's going to matter as much as someone who will be there for you and who is willing to be a partner in life's ups and downs.
the thing is, though, there has to be some degree of physical attraction in the beginning, right? i mean, of course it's flattering to know someone likes you. but why why why is it always that my guy-friends (whom i've already cast into the dreaded (to a guy) "friend" category seem to fall for me? so many guys mis-read hanging out and getting lunch or coffee as "dates", whereas, for me, lunch or coffee with someone is just that. (unless, of course, there are mutual feelings and you both want it to be a date).
finally, i have to admit to you that one thing that really turned me off was that for a while, a couple of years ago, he was calling me too often. and by "too often", i mean that he'd call, and even if i hadn't had a chance to call back, he'd keep calling me. and i finally did tell him (in carefully chosen words, and nicely), to ease up on the calling, and i thought i had successfully conveyed that i wasn't interested in being more than friends. if there's one thing that turns me off, it's calling too often because calling too often can make a person seem needy or desperate. or even if not, maybe it's really an "it's not you, it's me" thing: i'm someone who, even in a relationship or dating, needs space. i want to do things on my terms, and my time (which i don't have a lot of these days as a ph.d. student), and so even when i'm casually seeing someone, we don't have be together 24/7. i find that suffocating and smothering. there has to be balance.
i assume he's left the ball in my court. i hope so, b/c this is awkward. the bottom line is that i do really like him a lot as a friend but have reservations about anything more. and one other thing: as a grad student, my workload is truly intense. i'm not willing to do a long-distance relationship at this point in my life. and really, at 34, i'm too old for long-distance for the most part, because there are too many unknowns. the ideal situation for me is obviously that someone (with whom there's a spark) is in the same town, and has a schedule that is compatible with (or super-understanding of) the unique schedule and time constraints of being a doctoral student.
THOUGHTS? suggestions?
