i'm deep in thought, but poke me or write on my wall!
it's been a year since my trip to korea! it really was the trip of a lifetime. it was incredibly fun--almost magical--to be somewhere so different, and an eye-opener, and i think it helped me learn and understand so much more about my ethnic heritage, and through that, it helped me understand and appreciate my family history that much more. i said upon my return that although words couldn't do justice to my amazing experiences, i'd write more bits and pieces here and there when i had more time and was ready. circumstances seem to make it appropriate now.
a few weeks ago, i learned one of my mom's cousins lost his battle with lymphoma. he was only 63 and had cancer for less than a year, but hadn't been in the best of health, because he was also diabetic and had a stroke several years ago, so i suspect that didn't help. because of his age, i'll refer to him informally as my "uncle". what's heartbreaking is that he died just three days before his daughter's wedding. i saw him only twice in my life--once in 1981, which is of course, hazy now, and then last june. but i feel like with him gone, there's one more tie to my ethnic heritage--esp. on my mom's side--that is gone. it's so weird to be so close to and yet so far from your own ethnic heritage. because of the uniqueness of my upbringing, and a language barrier, i'm very much a foreigner in korea, so without any relatives to help me navigate over there in the future, i might as well be as blonde and blue-eyed as some of the other tourists. well, not quite. but you get the idea.
exactly one year ago today, i was visited my maternal grandparents' grave site to pay respect to two wonderful individuals whom i never had the chance to actually meet. the site is in the mountains away from seoul. if you dropped me off in korea and asked me to navigate my way there, i couldn't in a million years tell you how to get there. it was this "uncle" (mom's cousin) who played a huge role in transporting us there, and generally driving us around seoul. his english was limited, and my conversational korean is non-existent, so i always feel like i never got to properly thank him for everything he did (e.g., transportation, treating us to meals, etc.). i said "thank you" to him in english, so i assume he got the message i was expressing gratitude, and i expressed my appreciation using my dad as a translator, so he probably got the idea. but it's not the same as when you're able to carry on a real conversation with someone. but as i learned last summer, nods and smiles and gestures are powerful when you're in a foreign country.
june 6th happens to be korea's memorial day holiday, and it also happens to be the anniversary of my grandmother's passing (in 1979). it was a really emotional time on so many levels--to see my mom at her parents' graves, and to realize that so many years later, her grief is still very much there, very much raw and unprocessed, and yet also nuanced by the normal passage of time. perhaps the glimpse of fresh grief i witnessed was compounded by the fact that she had permanently left korea at the age of 18, though i don't know if she knew then that she would later decide to stay here. she was one of a fairly select/elite group of students whose families chose to send their children to the U.S. for college in the 1950's and early 60's (pre-1965 era). air travel wasn't as easy or affordable as it is nowadays, so when she left seoul for birmingham, alabama, it was essentially permanent. it turned out that her only trips back to korea before last year were once in october, 1967 (the last time she saw her parents alive), and in august, 1981. i think the fact that she didn't get to physically grieve the losses of her parents in person (in 1970, and 1979, respectively) must have been hard. i don't really know how she did it (leave home at 18 for another country), but i admire her for it, especially back before telephone, e-mail, IM, or things like facebook made it easy to be in touch and not feel so far away. i'd have been *terrified* if someone had sent me abroad at 18, with limited means of communication other than hand-written letters, never to return home.
wow. i guess that was kind of heavy, but i've been thinking about that a lot. and other things too. it was fun to look at pictures from that trip recently, and i'm sure you'll hear other bits and pieces at appropriate times or when the mood strikes me.
but make no mistake--there's no june gloom here. you know how i've been a bit absent lately? well i feel like there's something i must fess up about: i caved and joined ... facebook. or rather, i signed up about a year ago but left my account and profile idle. then, more people started asking if i was on there, so one april weekend, i bowed to the powers of procrastination. but more about f'book another time. the friday five o'clock jam is on.
