the first cut is the deepest

it can really hurt when an old wound opens, even if it�s only partially re-opened. the thing about old wounds, though, is that while they can hurt just as much as the first time, sometimes you also know that you�ll be OK in the end, because you�ve already survived once, and this scratch is nothing compared to the original cut.

when i started writing here ~5 and 1/2 years ago, i was going through a rough time. i felt physically crummy as only an autoimmune variant of arthritis can make someone feel. i was unemployed (b/c i was too disabled at the time to work, despite having a master�s degree and having just passed the board certifying exam with flying colors). several visits to a rheumatologist in baltimore between '00 and '02 filled me w/ more questions than answers. i felt isolated and different from my friends, not to mention left behind. it hurt, b/c no one really understood what i was experiencing. to add insult to injury, my 1st days writing here also found me in the aftermath of having been on the awful steroid drug, Prednisone. that drug had made me balloon out from 105 to 135 lbs within only two months� time (i�m only 5�2, so i think it was obvious). the steroids had weakened my bones to the point that my foot broke one day just from walking around, further sidelining me from my own life.

within a few months of starting this diary, things slowly turned around, i regained strength, lost the weight, and within a year, found a new job, and moved on, never to look back, for the most part. now it all seems like a different life, b/c i�ve come so far since then, and on so many levels. yet, sometimes even now, it�s like, most of the time i think i feel fairly healthy & normal, like everything is in the past. but every now and then, i�ll get a little humbling reminder that no, i�m not *exactly* like every other 30-something:

OK. i�ll just come out and say it: in mid-january, at a routine eye exam, i failed my visual field test. the eye doctor got worried that it was from Plaquenil, an antimalarial drug often used for arthritis, that carries the potential for retinal toxicity. so i quickly cut my dose in half out of fear. since then, my joints have been uncomfortable and swollen. even though the doctor says she thinks it's "ok" for now, i get scared about my eyesight. and i also get scared that one of these days, my only choice will be to go onto one of the oft-advertised, more potent anti-rheumatic drugs like Remicade, Humira, or Enbrel, which carry a small risk of lymphoma as a side-effect. too scary!

and as a big surprise to me, some of the body image stuff i thought had been carefully shelved away after leaving Prednisone behind has suddenly and recently fallen and landed on my head. and apparently, i just learned that i don�t eat enough, and that's coming back to bite me in a big way--and not in a way one might expect, either.

wow! sorry to let the floodgates break open. i'm really ok overall, and know i'll get through this. oh, yes, spring break week was lovely, if too short. the longer daylight and milder weather give me optimism and joy as i go into my favorite time of the year.