a citrus fruit in my belly
last sunday (BEFORE) thanksgiving, i awoke with belly pain and other symptoms that made me think it was either 1) mild food poisoning, or 2) related to my period even though it wasn't period time, AND i'm on the Pill, which makes cramps a rarity for me. it went away for a while, and i thought nothing of it and carried on with my day.
but later in the afternoon, just as i was getting ready to go swimming, i got sick and ended up doubled over in agonizing pain. it was a weird sensation, almost like my intestines and bladder were blocked. i was sweating and feverish and every time i tried to stand up, i'd flop back down onto the bed and curl up into a ball, crying and screaming in agony. (i'm so thankful i didn't end up getting to the gym and having this happen to me in the pool or locker room). what started freaking me out was that the belly pain was now distinctly right-sided, and people started telling me it was probably my appendix and to get to the hospital right away.
it's interesting how easy it is to weave a complex web of denial in a medical emergency. now i see why people having things like heart attacks or strokes often go into denial and don't get to the ER in a timely manner. as painful as these were, my abdominal pain attacks were still only coming on intermittently. so whenever the pain subsided, i rationalized that it would run its course and go away on its own...only to be gripped and brought down by it again a few hours later.
i insisited to my concerned loved ones that a hospital visit--especially to the emergency room--would be astronomically expensive, even with my grad student health insurance plan. i knew the wait would be long, and the ER would be clogged with indigent/down-and-out and non-paying/uninsured patients using it as a primary care facility for a stubbed toe or sore throat (but that's another story altogether). i further rationalized that i'd look like such a fool for going to the ER, if they examined me and determined that my pain was due to, something like a pocket of gas in my gut, or that i was constipated or....i don't know.
i also thought about the mountain of schoolwork i needed to get done. i panicked at the thought of losing time and falling behind, but by late sunday night, in my heart of hearts, i knew things just weren't right. this pain was unlike any other i'd experienced. and i got scared: what if everyone around me was right? what if it really was my appendix, and it burst and turned life-threatening overnight because i'd ignored it? just before midnight, it came on so acutely that i finally had no choice but to cave in and get rushed into the hospital, crying, scared, screaming in pain, and numb with the "I can't believe this is happening to me" mindset.
when a woman presents to the ER with acute right-sided lower abdominal pain, the four things they systematically rule out are: 1) appendicitis, 2) ectopic (fallopian tube) pregnancy, 3) an uncontrolled UTI (urinary tract infection), and 4) ovarian cysts. i'll spare the rest of the details and cut to the chase: at 4am monday morning, i finally learned that i had a cyst the size of an orange on my right ovary, and it was bleeding.
the doctors scared me as they told me about the possibility that the weight of the cyst could make my ovary twist and choke off its blood supply, thereby killing my ovary and my eggs, and therefore, half of my potential fertility. it scared the shit out of me when they talked about the chances of it rupturing. in my drugged-up fog, i thought about how i really, really want to have children. my parents had rushed over to be with me earlier in the evening and were with me at the hospital. after the doctor talked about the potential risk to my ovaries, i looked over at my dad, grabbed his hand, squeezed it hard, and told him "I really want to have children", and he reassured me, "You will".
you know what? this completely came from out of left field. i'm not supposed to get ovarian cysts because i'm on birth control, and women on the Pill don't normally get ovarian cysts. (although i had a smaller one 9 years ago, also while on the pill). do you know what it means when you get a cyst while taking oral contraceptives? it means you're still ovulating...which means i may be one of the few women who still ovulates while taking birth control pills. one of the doctors i saw made this recommendation: "use a backup method of birth control every time you have sex. i would not rely soley on the pill if i were you".
whew, it took a lot out of me to write this! i just didn't want to leave you hanging--i appreciate the kind and sweet messages and thoughts/prayers more than you know.
my belly is still sore with pain that radiates to my back and thighs. i'm still napping a lot and taking Vicodin, which renders me too useless to study, and i'm still unable to eat much. and since i lost all productivity last week, my end-of-term schoolwork pile is now like Mt. Everest! BUT, i spent Thanksgiving with my family, and even if i didn't get to eat much of the delicious holiday feast at home, the family time was very healing. i'm sure there will be plenty of time for me to work up an appetite and pig out over Christmas vacation. not that i need any weight-gain.
