heartfelt things i want to say to him

heartfelt things i want to say to him...

i'm here with a few minutes of private solitude while my family is out running errands. good news: my hot water is back (see previous entry). my stomach is in knots and my heart is pounding and my mouth is dry. i haven't eaten or slept well the past few days. and i'm weepy and PMSed on top of it all.

but below are the words i've wanted to say to dad for so long but keep choking on. and i'm not sure why i'm writing it in this space. it makes me self-conscious because i'm a warm person but not usually touchy-feely. but these words come from my heart and the only way i can be calmer and at peace as my acupuncturist wants me to be, is to get them out on paper.

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to dad:

now that your big event is upon us in two days, i wanted to tell you not to be afraid. everything will be fine. you asked me if i was scared of your surgery. of course it would be a lie to tell you no. but remember that fear isn't a rational thing.

i don't really know what to say other than that things will be fine, and i can't wait to be there for you on this important occasion to help you through a speedy recovery. you'll wake up and it will be my birthday on thursday, and i'll be there smiling at you and holding your hand.

i can't remember a time you were ever NOT there for me. i never got to thank you for the times you saved my life. i arrived 29 years ago this week and i hope that i've made you happy and proud of the woman i've become, rather than sad or worried. though it's through no fault of my own, i'm so sorry that my health has failed in recent years. i regret burdening you with worries about whether i'll be okay and how i'll get through this.

i know it's been heartbreaking and devastating for you and mom to watch me become so debilitated. i hope you don't blame yourself in any way for this either, because i never did. just know that i'm a fighter and will be better in time.

it hurts me deeply that i'm unable to be your blood donor. and for that, i'm also sorry. but, everything will be okay. there are so many words and thoughts racing through my mind right now, and i'm getting tongue-tied. so good luck and i know you'll be okay. and i'll be okay, so don't worry about me.

love,

M*