crying distress
this is my 2nd entry today. technically i guess not since it's past midnight.
i'm so upset and in tears right now and i'm up past midnight again b/c i can't sleep. the day i've been dreading is now exactly a week away. i don't know what's wrong with me. i think i'm usually strong enough to stay calm and handle stress. and maybe deep down i know things will be just fine. but right now it's all a bit too much.
this evening, i was talking to my dad. he read me some information about preparing for heart valve replacement surgery. and it overwhelmed me so much i just burst into tears...streaming down my face and pouring out of my eyes.
i didn't want him to see me like that. i've been trying so hard to stay calm (on the outside at least). i think if he sees how much this upsets me it'll make him more apprehensive about it and that would be such a disservice to him. and now, that's exactly what i did tonight. he tried to calm me down and said things to soothe me and ease my distress. maybe i can't help how i feel about everything right now. i lost it and started sobbing. i think a big part of why it's affecting me so much is a function of my current life situation. my acupuncturist was right in questioning whether i'm at peace with things. I'M NOT. i wish i could say otherwise.
i don't know what else to say, really. i'm wiped out and to top it off recently, i've been emotionally drained. maybe i needed to let myself cry instead of holding it all back until a more "convenient" time, like i try to so often. i should wipe the tears and snot from my face and get to bed.
