open heart, painful pricks, at peace
not only are my own health problems stressing me out pretty badly. add this to the mix: my dad's heart valve replacement surgery is scheduled for may 14th -- [that is the day before my 29th birthday (a.k.a. the 10th anniversary of my 9th birthday)].
yesterday i told my acupuncturist it was really stressing me out and we talked at length about it. my acupuncturist (formerly a family practitioner) emphasized that my dad's operation is a "very safe" procedure. especially given that his is a structural defect rather than the ravages of poor lifestyle choices.
for reasons unknown, yesterday's treatment hurt and also wiped me out afterwards. i flinched and said "ouch" after each needle was inserted, and when he put one into my foot (a "gallbladder point"), i nearly kicked him. it hurt like a motherfucker. maybe it's because my emotions were running high yesterday.
just like the last treatment, when he put in the needles i started quietly weeping. it felt good. where is this coming from? i never used to cry that easily. it's almost like someone has taken an SOS pad and scraped away at the teflon coat i've always used to protect myself and act tough.
finally, there's something that i've been thinking about since that treatment yesterday. my acupuncturist asks a lot of deep questions. i trust him and i guess i understand the rationale behind them after reading an excellent book he recommended, called "the web that has no weaver". but sometimes it still makes me uncomfortable.
anyway, despite emphasizing the high statistical success rate of heart valve surgery, my acupuncturist asked me (on the outside chance that something bad happens): "are you at peace with your relationship with your dad?".
....am i at peace? sure i am. we're close, and have a great relationship. but there are so many things i want to say. so many things i wish i could say to my dad. i'm trying to process it all right now.
frankly, i'm a bit overwhelmed. i'm at peace with our relationship, but regrettably, i'm so not at peace with where i am in my life and it's clouding the way i feel about this upcoming major operation.
