true glimpse into my life
it was a pretty quiet weekend here. the past two days have been rough for me and i've spent a lot of it in bed, out of comission b/c i've been dizzy, lightheaded, my temperature is 100, i have a headache, and i'm weak and tired. sounds lovely, doesn't it?
i managed to get out early saturday afternoon to run a couple of errands. i'm glad i did, since the weather was sunny and warm--70 degrees! to think that just over a week ago i was digging my car out from under the snow!
but since saturday evening, i've been sort of out of commission, lying curled up under my blankets, shivering. i really hope that better days lie ahead.
i told my parents i'd come see them this week. besides, i have an acupuncture appointment here in town tomorrow. so yesterday i mustered up whatever energy i could and drove over here (it's only an hour). i went straight to bed after arriving, and slept for 13 hours. i was out cold.
what scares me was that this morning, i found myself too weak to get up, and there was so much pain in my legs, hip joints and lower back, i was crying and had to call my mom to help lift me out of bed and help me stand up.
i hate the thought of saying this out loud here. everyone will be so shocked to read this. also, most people i know in real life don't even know that i get this impaired, b/c, given that my disability is invisible and i appear as healthy as the next person, i can camouflage it and put my best foot forward in public. they see me only on my "good" days, and when i'm all smiles. so all they know is that i have major stamina problems and a lot of pain. i've only told a couple of close friends about my kidneys. only people who see me every day and know me intimately see how bad it gets. i've never ever told my friends how bad it truly gets for me and that sometimes i need help from my parents the way i did today. i hate it. i really hate it. i fear that once they know how debilitated i get, their whole view of me will change and it will drive them away. they will be unable to look beyond my disability and no longer see me for the person i am.
i hate burdening my parents so much, too. it's not right and it's one thing i wish i could change. if i said this to them, they'd insist that i'm not a burden, and that they gladly and lovingly help me, but deep down, i know i'm breaking their hearts. it kills me.
there you have it: a true glimpse into my life. this is precisely why i hold people at an arm's distance. i have to protect myself and maybe shield other people from seeing this. and i regret it.
this weekend drives home the point that back when i wrote the old diary entry included in friday's update, i had no idea this was how bad it would be for me.
I.
DIDN'T.
KNOW.
