April 19, 1994

today i came across an old diary entry from about 9 years ago. it made me so sad, because i wrote about how tired i was, but obviously had no idea what was in store. i guess it's fitting that i'm going through my old diaries, given that i've become a lot more introspective and retrospective lately. anyway, my old diary entry is below:

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19th April 1994

South Hadley, MA

It's a Tuesday and I'm ashamed to say I'm so hungover. I'm in the library with writer's block. I'm pissed that Erika invited the guys up from CT. On a Monday night!? I didn't mean to get drunk. I have two papers due tomorrow that I haven't done a stitch of work on. All of Buckland, and probably everyone on campus already knows about my fucking low tolerance. Ever since September, Arkansas has been joking that all I have to do is inhale alcohol and I'm on the floor. It's getting old. As if it's not embarrassing enough, I'm never going to live down that incident.

Why am I so tired? I'm always exhausted, my legs are always sore and my calves hurt, my finger joints are red and swollen, and I constantly have a sore throat. I keep falling asleep here in the library but maybe it's just that the couches are so comfortable. Maybe I have narcolepsy. Or maybe it's that new disease called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am utterly wiped out. Maybe I should make a Health Center appointment to get a mono test. Truthfully, I'm afraid to go to the Health Center though, because in February a nurse there told me I was tired b/c I'm not eating enough, and she just gave me a nutritionist referral and suggested I get tested for iron and protein deficiencies. But I refuse. Bite me. I know what I'm doing. I weigh 103 lbs. Damn I'm so tired. Plus I got a headache and rash after running around Upper Lake last week. I hope I don't have a sun allergy or something like it.

One of many reasons I broke up with Joe last month was b/c I'm so tired. It was too tiring to keep taking the bus over to his apt to see him. It's too much effort and maybe I'm justifying everything. Maybe it's just that I didn't really think a connection was there even though he's super nice. He'll make another girl really happy though. Boy is that lame or what? I'm too tired to even have a boyfriend right now. I have so much to do between now and finals. Time flies by too fast.

Sometime this week if it's sunny and warm, Alison and I are going to drive down to the marina to watch crew team practice. We'll probably spread out a beach blanket and pretend to study. I just hope "Ice Queen" doesn't see us there b/c she's a possessive, feisty, jealous little bitch and thinks everyone is after ******. She knows what I said to ****** last fall, but doesn't understand the context in which it happened, and it kills me. Alison gave me some juicy gossip yesterday and told me that Julie told her why they moved out and went over to the Mandelles. I totally thought they were spending time in Wilder but I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, I'm so wiped out, maybe I should try Vivarin. I got so tired last Thursday that I couldn't even finish my belldesk shift and had to call Sarah to come finish up for me. And sad but true, last Wednesday after getting coffee at Coffee Connection w/ Peggy I came back to my room and slept for 15 hours straight. There must really be something wrong with me. I'm too tired to get over to Kendall this afternoon and could really use a good nap. I hope I don't have mono. I really really hope I don't have mono. Not right before final exams. Well I am off to Dwight to check my e-mail. After that I want to go straight to bed. Maybe I'm just PMSed.

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This entry makes me so incredibly sad. How could I have known it wasn't just PMS, or mono, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (which they at first thought it was)? I didn't know what was in store for me. Damn.