catch-up; wardrobe; difficult topic...
hello again. 2nd thursday entry. while i was out this afternoon getting a cup of green tea at greenberry's, i ran into someone who was in my substance abuse theory class last spring. oh, it made me quite happy.
you see, i sort of started to like todd last spring. but i hardly ever see him now that he's abd (all-but-dissertation), and isn't in town much anymore. i'm also in and out of town a lot lately too. he'll get his ph.d. in may and is moving away this summer. so we're just friends. and that's cool w/ me. besides, he doesn't know about (my situation) and that's how it will remain. now you see how guarded i've become, even around people i really like. i put up walls to protect myself. and maybe protect others around me, too.
anyway, we got a chance to catch up a little bit over tea and board games. it totally made my day. however, i did make a fool out of myself when i first saw him. before getting a cup of tea, i was drinking a cup of water. when i saw him, i got distracted in that way you do when you're 13 and see your crush walk into the same room. as i tried to take a sip of my water i ended up pouring it down the front of my shirt instead. but at least we laughed about it and i played it off like it was no big deal, saying instead that i was just having one of those days. so, that part of this afternoon was good.
after that, i went to ann taylor loft. i'm desparately in need of a new wardrobe b/c i've lost close to 20 lbs total. 17 to be exact. i'm back to my original weight range and am 110. i wear a size 4 now, but until it stabilizes and i know i'll stay fixed there, i'm not sure i want to buy stuff yet. at least i have an idea of what i want to add to my wardrobe. there were a bunch of super cute things.
my mom is starting to get concerned that i've started to take the weight loss too far again. she says stuff like this even though i've never totally come clean and said how much i've strugged with this shit. maybe she's trying to let me know that she already knows and that it's okay to talk about it. but i don't know. i don't even want to go there. the worst part of it is that we have a wonderful, open relationship. i love my parents dearly. and i've been able to talk to my parents about many other more difficult topics--like when i was still on their insurance plan but wanted birth control pills. or when i was 20 and a friend of mine had an abortion and it affected our whole circle of friends. or about something else that really upset and stressed me out my sophomore year in college. but when it comes to the subject of ED/body image in particular, there's so much that i've never been able to talk about, even here. does keeping a secret like this make me dishonest? i keep dancing and dancing around the whole body image/ED thing like a prima ballerina. i pirouette and twirl around and around, never leaping directly into it. the truth is that yes, i'm tempted to keep going down. to get to 105, then 100, then 95. 95 used to be my goal weight. i used to think that b/c i'm only 5'2, a weight under 100 was ideal. i used to think anyone who weighed over 110 was fat. i'm sorry if this offends anyone and makes me sound shallow. now i know better. ED/body image stuff is not at all about vanity or being shallow. i'm sure it probably offends most of you out there reading me, since most people do weigh over 110. i guess that in that mindset, there are an awful lot of fat people out there. but now i recognize how distorted that thinking was. i can't let it grip me like that again. maybe one day i'll be comfortable enough to confront all of that head on here. it's just the hardest thing to write about. even harder than (my current situation). i have to write about this stuff sooner or later if i'm ever going to work through it and be at peace with that part of myself.well i'm out of soymilk, i'm craving strawberries and asparagus (no i don't eat them together), and have to get a prescription refilled. so i've gotta get out to whole foods, kroger and cvs this evening.
