low
last night i unintentionally clicked on delete and lost an entry from earlier in the day.
today i just updated and then deleted it. talk about censorship. it was too much of a downer.
really though, i'm having the toughest time. i've never been at such a low point. there are no words to describe it. i'm desperately unhappy about my situation. i would do anything in the world to regain back my health, and especially stamina. i'm trying so hard. but nothing seems to be working. the fatigue is crushing and suffocating me. i'm trapped inside of the prison of my own body. i'm like a bird that wants to fly away but has its wings clipped.
you have no idea. the past year has been terrible for me and i'm trying to stay positive and optimistic. but it's hard. i'm having a tough time, but i persevere. there are times when i want to give up and just crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head and not emerge for days on end. (no i've never done this). but that's how low things have been lately.
if i had been accurately diagnosed from the beginning, and placed on plaquenil (and yes, even prednisone) from the start (1994 instead of 2000), would i still have kidney damage? would i be as fatigued and pained as i currently am? would i still have become unable to work?
will my kidney damage stabilize? or will my body continue to wage a war against itself? will it progress?
i always thought that i'd live to a very old age b/c of my healthy lifestyle. but now i'm not so sure. is it possible i'll die young? will my kidneys be my downfall?
*diary friends: i'm terribly sorry this entry is such a downer. you have no idea. i think it'd be a miracle if anyone out there reads me, reads me regularly, gets absorbed in my writing, and/or actually looks forward to my updates. but if anyone here does, and reads this page this evening, all i can say is that you're patient and probably a saint for putting up with all of my frustration, unhappiness, and whiny bitchfests. i'm so sorry.
you have no idea where i am in my life. i'm so unhappy.
