almost caught

i just realized i've been here for almost four months. a year ago, i'd have said "no way" to the idea of an electronic diary. now i'm happy to have this medium and usually feel better after updating. i used to keep a pen & paper diary. here, it's nice to have no paper trail. obviously i still have to be extremely careful.

i was nearly "caught" last month when i had a few people over to my place and this one girl brought her asshole boyfriend scott over. he's a real jerk, and very possessive. in fact sometimes i wonder if he's controlling and abusive b/c his girlfriend (whom i'll call "jill" here) often backs out of plans at the last minute, saying stuff like "oh, scott wants me to be home"....."scott doesn't want to do such and such"...."scott and i have plans"......or "wait...let me ask scott for permission".

PERMISSION?!?!?!? she's a big girl. they both have cars. she can drive herself to join us for drinks or dinner or whatever. she doesn't need permission to go out and do stuff on her own does she? even worse, when he's out of town, she's still under his thumb, b/c she'll say stuff like "oh, i can't join you guys b/c scott wants me to wait by the phone for his call tonight". wtf?

i'm not close to jill at all. i only know her through someone i used to work with. but i sort of feel bad for her and if i were her friend, i'd worry about that relationship a little bit. it just seems a bit unhealthy.

maybe my intuition is all wrong. maybe it's just that they're so in love that they'll die w/o the other being around 24/7. i'm not just saying this stuff b/c i'm single right now and jealous of anyone w/ a boyfriend, either. trust me, i've been in love and i know what its like to be close to someone and to miss them when they're not by your side and all that. but i can safely say that i've never, ever let someone else (i.e. a boyfriend) dictate my other social plans. either it makes me a distant partner, or a girlfriend who knows how to be autonomous and independent. no one will tell me what to do or control who i can hang out with, or demand that i stay home and wait by the phone all night for a call. am i unusual in being that way?

anyway....to get back on track, scott wanted to check his e-mail, so i let him, but then noticed he had pressed the back button on my browser and was reading several other journals i'd just looked at here. i swore i noticed he was typing something but when i asked him he said it was nothing. only that he was signing a few guestbooks. i think he was just kidding and don't think he did, but i guess it's no big deal. but if anyone reading me has any unexplained messages, you can thank him. very few people truly get on my nerves but he's one of them. i've only been around him a handful of times but he just grates me.

after logging off of my computer he asked if i had a diary page here but i convincingly told him "no". but my heart was pounding as i denied. whew! it was a close call. it's one of many reasons i decided to lock up w/ a password.