i'm not as tough as you think...

what i said yesterday is true. i did indeed consider applying to the naval academy. there are some tough cookies at anapolis. it's all hypothetical. but i think i'd have been able to tough it out there if i'd applied and gotten appointed to the USNA. i'm strong willed and disciplined and at least fairly intelligent enough to handle the work. that was back in the day i ran a mile in 6:05, two miles in 12:49, and my best cross country meet time (5K) was under 20 minutes. all my personal bests.

having said this, i'm starting to realize that maybe i'm not as tough as you think...or as i used to think...or tried to be. maybe that's okay. maybe not. i'm a lot more emotional now than i ever used to be. sometimes it's unsettling. i'm not the teflon coated tough girl i pretended to be. no, i'm not impervious to pain (mine or other people's). i cry more often nowadays than i used to. and i worry it makes me a lot more vulnerable than i should be. i'm more sensitive to other people's pain nowadays too. is it compassion or am i becoming weak? a lot of diaries i read here really touch me. sometimes i read stuff here that really tears me up. in fact, it happened 1st thing this morning when i woke up and logged on here.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the time i was 1st diagnosed (1994) and again when it all got revised in 2000. it's wearing me down--a heavy burden sitting on my shoulders. and i'm seriously starting to question whether i'm strong enough mentally and emotionally to handle this. silly me--thinking it would be a piece of cake to handle...that it would be a temporary struggle. i'm seriously starting to question if i'm the strong woman i thought i was. compare and contrast me now to the confident empowered person i thought i was 6 or 7 years ago with my newly earned bachelor's degree. as an undergrad, i was trained to believe that no obstacle was too large to overcome...that i could do anything...be anyone i wanted...and i figured having an illness like this was like anything else i could overcome. but it's the one thing i haven't been able to crush and defeat. has my confidence evaporated and eroded? what happened to the old me? some days i feel very confident, like i'm my own woman. other days usually when i'm feeling bad) everything fluctuates. am i not strong enough? i've wanted so badly to stomp out every dying ember of my autoimmune problems just like one would do to a trash can fire. but i've failed thus far.

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