crabbiness and avoidance
i was incredibly crabby this past week and it didn't feel good at all. then i remembered something: i had acupuncture on tuesday (jan. 28th). my mood was terrible on thursday the 30th and again on the 2nd and 4th. is this all related? i know in the beginning, my acupuncturist had said i might become more emotional following treatment. but that was in the beginning. should it still be happening to me? is this normal? does this ever happen to other people? i have so many questions and not enough answers. am i unusual in having this reaction even though i've been getting treatment since this past fall? what worries me: what if it's not a side-effect? what if the problem is me instead? or is it a combination of acupuncture, me, and the normal emotional roller coaster of (illness)? prednisone doesn't explain it b/c i've been off of it for a while (and have lost a lot of the weight that went w/ the drug).
NOW, on to the subject of avoidance as related to prednisone--JOANNE, i hope you read this. this is for you (and i guess anyone else who needs to hear it or is interested): i know all too well what it feels/felt like to want to avoid people or at least not want them to see me after i went onto prednisone. like you, i don't think i was actually afraid of losing friends due to weight gain itself (or if i did, i figured those people were shallow and not worth my time if they based friendship on something that superficial). instead, i didn't want to deal w/ the need to explain things.
for me, though, the revision of my diagnosis to lupus/arthritis occurred simultaneously w/ being on prednisone. and so for me it was a double-whammy. i withdrew from people and in fact, waited a few months before telling my closest friends about it. i cried and cried and sometimes felt so angry i wanted to pound my fists into the wall. i don't know if it's changed me permanently, but i see now that it takes longer for me to trust enough and let my guard down and "let people in" b/c i *am* afraid sometimes that people will run away from me if they know about my disability. it's not rational, but i worry. i have had some people distance themselves from me, probably not due to my illness itself but more b/c they moved on in life and settled down, OR b/c they just didn't understand that i can't do a lot of things i did w/ them when i had more energy. it hurts a lot. a lot of people aren't patient enough to understand that instead of a night out on the town drinking or whatever, i would be happier and more content enjoying a cup of tea and a game of cards w/ them (as low key and boring as that sounds). i guess it's hard to understand it if you're young and healthy and if i weren't in this position i might not give it much thought either.
also,joanne, i hate the thought of saying this, but it was precisely b/c of my prednisone wt. gain that i didn't go to my 5th year college reunion, and that i didn't get in touch w/ two people i otherwise would have loved to see last summer while on vacation. one of my college friends grew up in palo alto, calif. and was there visiting her parents part of the week i was there. i could kick myself for not getting in touch w/ her. i justified it by thinking of what a busy, whirlwind week it was. another college buddy of mine had just moved to seattle last year. i got an e-mail message from an acquaintance, susan, while i was there, saying "oh kristen is out there now and you guys should get togeher while you're there etc.....i'll let her know you're around" and gave me her phone #. i really wanted to see kristen but just couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone and call and see her. it sounds so lame now, but the reason? when i went onto those damn little corticosteroids, i weighed 107 lbs. but within no time was up to 127. i absolutely felt unattractive and my esteem plummeted. i know it's not the end of the world that i thought it was, but when you're in the midst of prednisone treatment it's a huge deal. anyway, i have indeed been where you are and know it all too well. if you ever need to talk, know that i'm here.
well......everyone, enjoy this weekend!
