flying off the handle
i didn't think i'd be doing a 2nd update within an hour of my 1st entry today but here i am, flying off the handle:
oh god! what is wrong with me?????
is it me? am i the problem? it's happened again today--i'm so grumpy and upset. what's making me fly off the handle at the drop of a hat these days? why do i always feel so frustrated and irritable???
don't get me wrong--i love my mom dearly. we usually get along fabulously. we're very close and i usually tell her everything. but lately there have been too many times she's made me lose my temper during conversations and discussions, and she pisses me off sometimes with what she says.
all of these incidents relate to my illness either directly or indirectly. it's like on one hand, she understands where i'm coming from. but sometimes she says things that just make me stew and boil inside, and make me feel like she totally doesn't get it...that as much as she sympathizes and feels bad and "understands" the agony i'm in, she misses the whole point of where i'm coming from. i know it's unreasonable to expect her to know exactly what it's like to be in my shoes, b/c she's never been. she can only empathize. but what kills me is when i don't feel validated. my voice is unheard or unimportant. it's oppressive. i know when i get this upset i sometimes let things slip out of my mouth that i regret. i'm a terrible person b/c in a fit of anger i called my mom "callous" and told her to "shut up". we don't have that type of relationship. i don't understand what's happening? especially b/c it never was like this before?
i'm just afraid that i've changed my family dynamics--my relationship w/ mom is so different esp in the past year or two. we're close. but there's more tension and i think she feels like she needs to walk on eggshells around me. it's not fair to her. and i know it's not fair to me. the last thing i want is to have a stormy relationship with her now that i'm all grown up...and considering we always had a great relationship while i was growing up.
am i immature? do i need to grow up? am i too fucking oversensitive and thin-skinned? am i too old for this? maybe this makes me an awful person. i hate myself when i get so upset and enraged. why? am i turning into a bona fide bitch? OH GOD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THIS IS HAPPENING?!?!?! SOMEONE TELL ME IF SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG WITH ME????
am i pushing away the people i love and care about most? am i isolating myself in a hard-shelled capsule to protect myself? am i trying to make myself unreachable to those who care the most? what am i trying to do?
it's spinning out of control and i hate this. it's the most awful feeling.
is it so bad for me to be saying all of this stuff? i'm just afraid it's going to paint a completely inaccurate picture of what i'm really like, or what my family is like or what my mom is like. maybe it's not right for me to say these things. my mom is a wonderful, sweet, and strong woman. she cares passionately about me and my wellbeing. i know that. my family is warm and loving. and i swear, i'm not really an ogre.
no one understands. it shouldn't be like this. no. not at age 28. am i normal or has something gone wrong? where did i go so wrong????????
*** PS: i'm sorry about my prolific bitchiness--i hope everyone else is having a better time and a more pleasant day than i am***
