'tis the season

well, well....'tis the season again and i desperately need to think about what gifts to get people. i also have to figure out who to send a christmas card to. unfortunately i must admit that i almost don't feel like sending out any holiday cards and it sounds so terrible. why? now i seem to be getting cards from friends -- especially married ones with children--who are sending out those holiday letter formatted ones (the kind our parents exchange with their friends). the letters are filled with either wedding pictures or photos of their newborns. i truly enjoy their photos and am honored that they think of me as a good enough friend to send one to. and yet, those letter formatted christmas cards highlight and showcase all of their accomplishments and what's good in their lives. what do i have to show for in comparison to that? i know it is so stupid and yet i can't help but admit to the fact that having a chronic illness has really chipped away at my ego and self esteem and really makes me want to just keep a low profile and only present the side of me and my accomplishments that show me in the best light. this all probably sounds like nonsense for anyone who can't relate to my experiences. oh well. at least recent studies came out that said that women over 50 can have babies. i may need to take advantage of that reproductive technology if i keep going at this rate and marry later than everyone i know. hell, maybe i'll marry when i'm so old i'll just give out denture cream as favors to my wedding guests. LOL!

'tis also the season for snow again. right now we've got our first winter storm warning and brrrrrr!!! it's cold outside! it was 13 degrees last night and bone chilling. i can only say that i'm glad i don't live in a place like the dakotas, minnesota, or upstate new york.

'tis the season for weight gain too unfortunately.....but i want to make damn sure it doesn't happen to me especially now. i'm excited to say that i've lost 12 pounds in the past 2-3 months and it's long overdue. i'm so glad to be off of corticosteroids because they're such bastards for weight gain. i mean, it's not like i was ever truly anywhere near overweight in other people's eyes and according to my height weight charts......and yet, i weighed more than i had ever been used to and it sucked to have two sets of wardrobe--my fat clothes and my thin clothes. it gets expensive too. unfortunately i'm in between sizes and so i have nothing to wear. everything is either too big or too small. it either looks like i'm borrowing clothes from someone larger than i am, or my pants are so tight i have to lie down on my bed to zip them up. my goal is to get down to 115, eventually to 110. to weigh under 110 once again would be a dream come true although i'm not sure how realistic that goal is, or how healthy it is. *sigh* i guess that this fall my body image demons have come back with a vengeance and i'm very, very ashamed to admit that. especially given that i thought they were finally resolved after college, when i felt like the most confident and empowered girl around! i really and truly want to go back to a lower weight (pre-prednisone) and yet given my history of going overboard on the weight control and exercise, i have to be extra careful to do it in a safe way. it really and truly scares me that it'll spiral out of control. but i'm strong willed and know i can maintain the upper hand on this. most of all i want to be healthy all-around. unfortunately my body image issues are a secret i carry within me and am too chicken to share with anyone. i want to deal with my body image issues on my own if possible though since i'm a very strong woman and know i can get a grip on those problems. besides no one understands the unique perspective that a chronic illness puts on the issue, especially if it's superimposed on it. oh well. i'm just way too tired to go on about it and will spare you until another day. sweep it back under the rug for now.

alas...i think i'm ready to spend another evening in front of the tv watching MTV Real World Las Vegas....that chick named Trishelle really gets on my nerves. i can't explain why.