sadness and disillusionment as i grow older and *hopefully* wiser
those were really some of the most wonderful years of my life where i really felt like i came into my own and though painful and stressful at times, i really came to form my own opinions, views and beliefs for myself...and i gradually became more confident in myself as a woman and as a person. still i now look back at myself so long ago and realize now how naive and unrealistic some of my life expectations were back then. not that they were anything out of the ordinary. i guess it all boils down to my health and the turn that it has taken. sometimes i feel so disillusioned by the fact that i was mis-diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia and all the while, unnecessarily treated with drugs used for those conditions, while what was really brewing was an insidious onset of an autoimmune lupus/arthritis variant. who could have known though? i guess it was like a developing polaroid photo. my blood and urine tests simply didn't yet reveal what was happening. it makes me so sad at times. i thought i was dealing with my presumed diagnosis at the time in a proactive way--venturing to form a support group on campus with about 5-7 women, and promoting awareness on the topic to educate the community. not that i regret that in any way. because i still do strongly believe that people with any of the multiple autoimmune conditions with similar symptoms suffer in way too much silence while all the media and scientific attention and funding go toward more high profile illnesses like AIDS, heart disease and cancer.
and yet, i feel disillusioned by the fact that when first furnished with the diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome, i was told that it was essentially like an extended bout of mono, and that in general it would last about a few years at most and that most people lift out gradually and many are completely well eventually. i had no reason to doubt i'd be one of them. i took the medications i was given in good faith (not realizing that they were unnecessary) believing they'd help like a vitamin or antibiotic pill or asprin.
now i get the alumnae magazine from my college and also hear through the grapevine that most of those individuals who were in the support group i worked my ass off to start, have somehow left me in the dust. many are working fulltime, and either engaged or married, or have children. most are considerably better if not well now. i'm genuinely happy for them, as i would not want misery to blanket everyone else. and yet i have to admit that i'm envious, jealous and often wonder why it can't be me...."why can't all of that be mine too?". instead, throughout grad. school, i hung in with all my might and did extremely well and graduated with top marks. all the while, my condition was worsening and new symptoms began appearing and clued us in to the fact that maybe this wasn't actually chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia but in fact something that warranted a rheumatology consultation. thank goodness we did it. still i get disillusioned by it. i dont' know. i could go on and i probably will later since this is getting way too long and boring to anyone who ever reads my diary. i don't know....maybe i just have pms and need to go rest. i guess it's weird, in a way i have mixed feelings now.....that somehow my classmates and college mates have all surpassed me....that somehow, all of the intelligent, articulate, wonderful women i knew in college have somehow all succeeded with their new jobs, careers, advanced degrees, husbands and children, dream homes, and salaries. maybe with my illness i just don't measure up and have failed through no fault of my own except that my body is unable. i HOPE my acupuncture treatments really restore my strength and health over the next several months......sigh......
