why i write
i decided to keep this secret journal--one that no one else in real life knows about--as a therapeutic endeavor. sometimes when you're dealing with pain, there is only so much you can share with those who care about you and whom you love. it's one thing to be open with people--to share openly and communicate. but there comes a point where it's unfair to burden people with your pain. sometimes when you're struggling with pain, it has a ripple effect and affects your loved ones more deeply than you realize. and hence i have sought refuge in what i hope is a safe, even nurturing and loving environment of an online journal.
writing is cathartic, it's therapeutic; it purges the mind and soul of sadness, agression and intense emotion; writing is a way to share joy; writing is a form of expression that is freeing and liberating.
essayist Joan Didion wrote in her piece entitled "why i write", that writing is a way of saying "I"; it is a way of saying "listen to me", "see it my way", "change your mind". writing can be an agressive, even a hostile act, no matter how well it is veiled.
i have specific complex reasons for wanting to write. for one, written expression has always been a talent and strength. i have always had a penchant for writing--writing when i'm happy and when i'm sad. and the pain that has propelled me into diaryland is specifically that it hurts and grieves me so much to be 28 years old and living life with a debilitating chronic illness. no one understands what it is like to be young, at least somewhat attractive, well educated, somewhat smart, and yet be trapped inside of the jail of a body i can't rely on and which i feel has failed and betrayed me. of course i will probably have a lot of entries that make no mention of my health. and yet my illness is such a part of who i am--it doesn't define me, but it most certainly encompasses and affects every single aspect of my life.
i was recently on a website of the singer blu cantrell. although her life experiences obviously differ greatly from mine, and she expresses herself through music rather than pure writing(unless you count her song lyrics) the bottom line is that true art is born out of pain. writing can be born from our wounds. i guess any expressive form of art is just as this web site sums up: "prodigious love child of those who have dealt with heartache and lived to tell about it..." i know that there are probably tons of on-line diarists (maybe even most) who just skim the surface and don't go deep....whose diaries are more for entertainment or exhibition value than a need to truly journal their lives in a safe space. having said that, i believe that when a diary or any sort of writing is an art-form, it is often produced by people who "know how it feels to be alone, to be afraid and to be blue".
here in cyberspace i have the safety of anonymity. online, i'm less likely if not downright unlikely to awkwardly come across people i know, the way you might run into people in real life at the grocery store. i did a paper in grad school that touched on the issues of increasing computer usage in settings like higher education (virtual universities), and online psychotherapy. it is an ethical minefield and yet it was totally fascinating to read sherry turkel's work(wife of famous sociologist studs turkel). there is more anonymity online and people feel less inhibited when hidden and cloaked behind the safety of the computer screen. it's easier to feel less of a sense of accountability, to be able to vent and write what you want, and then click the send or submit button. and i think that this in part plays into the lure of online journaling for at least some people out there including myself.
so this is why i write tonight. and so it is and i will end here and vent more in another entry.
