Third Shift

Oh la la, je suis tres, tres, fatigue. I am physically and emotionally tired. It's almost 1am and I'm on the Thoracic and Cardiovascular Unit at UVA. I'm staying overnight in the hospital with my dad, keeping watch over him in a chair facing his bed on his fourth night post-op. I think the surgery itself went smoothly, and for that and every indicator or improvement in physical healing I witness, I am thankful, b/c I know I can't take anything for granted--after all, the new valve we thought would last 10-15 years. But each improvement, each indicator of success, is cause for relief.

So many people have experienced heart surgery, countless patients have it on any given day. But wow, even this 2nd time around, I find myself thinking that there are so many things, so many dirty little secrets no one tells you, or that you don't know to expect unless you're a physician or a nurse, or have been through it yourself. I can't go into it, it's really stressful and trying and too personal right now. But just know that if you ever have a loved one go through cardiac surgery, especially an elderly parent, one day, there will almost certainly be things that no textbook, no patient information pamphlet, no WebMD, can possibly prepare you 100% for.

It's a strange feeling right now and I'm feeling really sad b/c it's almost like...oh, I don't know...a changing of the guards, a shifting of which generation in a family cares for which...it wrenches my heart out and wrings and twists it for me to have to help my dad adjust the drainage tubes and his oxygen and catheters, and to be the one to ask the doctor/nurse all the questions. It's strange for me to have to help him pee but help him maintain his dignity and privacy given that I'm also of the opposite gender so also have to look away while he pees into that demeaning damn cup they give you at the doctor's office. I hate that my father is stuck wearing that same damn kind of open-in-the-back gown that made me feel so stripped when I wound up in the ER a few years ago doubled over with right sided belly pain. I wish I had studied medicine, or nursing, or gerontology/geriatrics to prepare me for how much it plays with my emotions.

I want to celebrate the fact of his physical healing, and I absolutely will... and probably with an Indian meal for our family, symbolic of his bovine valve (think: sacred cow) but right now, as I sit here on the cardiac unit as the night owl, I'm also hurting, and quietly crying b/c it all scares me, too....because, maybe it is a glimpse into the future as my father makes the shift into vulnerability, and good god, I hope some of this post-op vulnerability and other stuff is only temporary. What if, this really is an accelerated journey into the twilight years of his life?

It's all so very overwhelming. Dear internet/universe: please think positive thoughts and strength for me. Third shift only started and I've got many hours to go before I sleep. Tomorrow I go from third shift to work a half day, though I wish it were to sleep half a day.