Set Them Free

Do you know what it feels like to learn that an ex is engaged? And do you know how that feels even when you and and he actually have remained very good friends? I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a little twinge...I mean a teeny-tiny pang of....I don't know...sadness? regret? jealousy? Actually, I'm not sure I have the right words to describe it. Also, do you have a right to feel those pangs of whatever it is you're feeling when it's someone whose heart you in fact may be guilty of having "broken", and then you find out they're forever someone else's? Maybe hearts just sometimes aren't rational.

Remember "Architect Boy" (the urban planner)? Yeah. It's him. Right now, it's too complicated and personal to bare to the internet, but it was just a little bit complicated on my part--I could not love him unconditionally and on the terms that he was ready for. But there were no hard feelings. I really value his friendship--we've actually remained fantastic friends. And maybe if you love someone (even if you love them as a friend, insofar as your're allowed to "love" your friends), you have to set them free. I just...didn't expect tears to start streaming down my face at the news a few weeks ago.

I'm going to say something now here and come back to it one day later on: sometimes I think that in some ways, I think too much like a guy. And when you're female, thinking like a man can trip you up and get you into trouble (or keep you single). OK. Hold that thought and put it on the shelf.

In other news, I went for my six-month appointment w/ my rheumatologist today. The good news is that despite my joint woes having flared up since August, she's going to keep my drug regimen the same for now. I had been afraid she was going to get out the big guns (i.e., the biologic response modifiers better known--or advertised on tv--as "Infliximab/Remicade", "Enbrel", "Humira". It may be irrational, but those drugs scare me on a financial level (they are super expensive and often not covered, even for a single vial), and maybe more importantly, on a medical level b/c they're typically injected or you have to go to a hospital infusion center to have them. And those drugs significantly raise your risk of infections and non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Especially when I think about my advisor's husband, it's just not worth those kinds of risks. The treatment is worse than the condition it's meant to treat. My rheumatologist is really great--she listens well, explains things well, and she also respects my feelings about wanting to be careful with medications in light of long-term side-effect risks. I'm really going to be hard-pressed to find someone as good as she is if I have to move away after graduating.

OK. I'm sure there's more to say, but I'm tired after a long and busy day and especially sleepy after having a warm bowl of homemade matzoh ball soup made by yours truly. More as it happens...