apprehensive; stuck words
i want so badly to write something uplifting, because honestly, i try to keep a good attitude and stay optimistic every day. of course there *are* little things i am happy about in my life, and am blessed to have.
but having said that, i'm unable to write that type of entry at the moment because quite frankly, i'm under a lot of stress about next month.
since i was in still town after visiting my parents for easter, i met up with dad for lunch tuesday. my dad is a professor, so i went over (to campus at the univ. where he teaches) and we got pizza slices. we do this every so often and it means a lot to me b/c it's our qualty time together.
growing up in a college town was great and i wouldn't trade it for any other experience. when i was little, dad used to bring me and my sister to his office once in a while. i used to love sitting at his desk in his big swivel chair, spinning around and doodling on pieces of scrap paper he had lying around. there are a lot of memories over there for me.
anyway, this week was when everything hit me. i don't even know how to put it into coherent words. my dad mentioned that he's giving one of his final exams early so he can have all grades submitted and all loose ends tied up before his procedure.
and right now i'm looking at the calendar and it's sinking in that my dad is having open heart surgery in less than three weeks. i'm sure he's apprehensive about it though he doesn't verbalize it. and i'm scared. i'm very scared.
there's so much i want to say to him. i want to reassure him that things will be fine and that his valve replacement will be successful. there's other stuff i've been thinking of, too, ever since my acupuncturist asked if i was at peace with my relationship with him on the off chance that anything bad happens.
how is it that i, who usually have no trouble finding the right words to say to people, am starting to choke on my words? they're stuck in my throat. why? i am so stressed out it's as though i'm suffocating and my insides are tied into knots. stress is my enemy and is worsening the flare i'm in.
all i want to know is that things will be okay. i keep telling myself i'm strong enough to handle this. and i want dad to know i'm here for him. i can't imagine what my mom and sister are thinking either. i'm apprehensive, but the words to describe it are stuck in my throat.
