last pen & paper entry
*today's fact about me*
i used to keep a pen & paper diary. i used to write prolifically in it, but the journals i kept over the years started getting cumbersome. i think if i kept updating by pen, the paper trail would eventually become too large. i wrote my very last pen & paper entry last july. it's very long; not really exciting. but it is as follows, for anyone who wants to see what my writing was like a few months before i joined up here at d-land:
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Wednesday, 24th July 2002
Seattle, WA
Wow. I can't believe my vacation is winding down. There are so many thoughts racing through my head as I pack up to leave here on Friday. A month ago, I never imagined I'd be spending all of July out here. Granted, it happened that way by accident, but I have no regrets. It was the right decision for me to come to the W. Coast and attend *'s banquet and enjoy that final week in California. If I'd left as scheduled, there are so many things I wouldn't have gotten to see and do. And so I'll be leaving here having expanded my horizons. And I'm so glad to have gotten to spend quality time with *. Ever since she moved to California, I felt a gulf between us I had never felt before. I guess it's partly psychological, with the time difference, plus her being so busy all the time and on call. But I think we were able to catch up and kind of get reacquainted in a way that we usually don't get to since we only see each other at Christmas. I don't think she really knew where I was with the whole chronic illness thing, either, and I didn't want to burden her with it during the few conversations we have, usually late at night for me. Anyway, the sister-bonding has been pretty fucking cool.
It meant so much for me to go see the University of Oregon. I had always wanted to see where Dad went to school, and I know he's excited to come here next month when M & D visit *. I walked around Eugene in awe, thinking about how different everything must have been when Dad was there so many years ago. And it made me think about how, sometimes, we come to take a place for granted while we live there. And when we leave, we assume that we'll be back to visit...maybe even assume we'll pass by that way often. But sometimes our life circumstances don't allow that to happen, and as the years go by, it gets harder and harder, and more out-of-the way to swing by for a visit. I suppose that to a degree, it's easier now with better travel esp by air. Nonetheless I wonder how often I'll get to head back to (my college campus). What if I end up settling out here on the W. Coast one day, how often will I go back through that neck of the woods? I also wonder if I'll have children of my own one day, who will go visit (where I went to school) and get all excited about seeing where I lived and studied for four years. It all leaves me in awe.
I'm glad that Mayflower finally came, after all the calls we had to make. Everything looks nice now. The weather here has been amazing. Whoever says it rains all the time in this region is wrong. From what I hear, it rains mainly during the cooler months. Then during the spring and fall, you get weeks split in half with some rainy and some sunny days. It's funny, though, before I came out here, I read in a Seattle travel guide that "summer arrives each year on July 5th". I suppose that's true: it rained quite a bit our 1st week here. Then like a clockwork, our last rainy day here was Sunday July 7th, the day we went over to explore Capitol Hill, Ballard and W. Seattle. Funny enough, as much as I hate rain, it didn't detract from the physical beauty of this place. You know....it kind of reminds me of what I imagine Scandinavia to be like, with all the evergreens and water inlets and stuff. In fact, from what I read, there is a huge pocket of Nordic people who live in the area, I think in Ballard. It's supposedly some ethnic enclave, although * told me that some parts of it are getting gentrified, and you can find reasonably priced apts with a great view of Shilshole Bay there. Anyhow, apparently around Ballard, they eat this stuff called lutefisk--apparently it's this salty cod, although this is only hearsay. Back to the subject, from July 8th onward, the sun miraculously came out for days on end, and it's awesome because the heat out here isn't like the sauna it is back home, where 90 degree heat and humidity sit on you like a wet blanket. The sun sets late out here in summer--like when we first got here, it was still light out at 9:30pm. In fact, up in Vancouver, it stayed light even later b/c it's even further north.
I'm so glad to have had the chance to go up to Canada, although I'll remember to bring my passport the next time. The border crossing guy was cool, though, and I guess I charmed my way through. Ah, all the changes that have happened since September 11th. You never used to need a passport to go to Canada.
I'm sitting here eating the sweetest Rainier cherries. * told me about them. I'd never had them before, but they're yellow. Imagine that! I'm starting to get nervous about flying on Friday, but am trying to take in everything and enjoy the moment.
This afternoon, I almost got hit by a bus. I'm telling you, if there one thing I *don't* like about Seattle, it's how the green & yellow King Co. Metro Transit buses drive so aggressively. I went running this afternoon and as I was crossing Wallingford (the crosswalk signal was on "walk"), a bus came barrelling around the corner. The scary thing is that it's not the first near miss I had w/ a bus here. When I was driving across SR 520 to go to Bellevue Square, a bus started coming on the entrance ramp and cut me off. He fucking cut me off when he knew he needed to yield.
And yesterday on the evening news, I saw that a pregnant woman and her mother were hit by a bus as they crossed a street in Fremont. Isn't that terrible? * told me that today, they delivered the pregnant woman's baby and that he was brought over from Harborview for observation. What a dumpling--she said he weighed 9.5 lbs at birth!!!! Well hopefully I don't get hit by a bus tomorrow when I go for my last run here. Failing that, I hope to return home to the East Coast in one piece. I think I'm starting to lose weight, since I've been walking and running regularly, and even went to one of the city pools nearby several times.
Today I drove through Capitol Hill and spent time down near the UDistrict. It was so pretty and sunny. I want to return here again someday. As I was driving, I started to get really sad about leaving, and tears started rolling down my cheeks. There was no way to stop them but at least I was alone, so no one saw me. I hate it when other people see my cry. Do you know, Broadway totally reminds me of Dupont Circle, and Castro Street. It's just *so gay*, with all the rainbow flags and all. A really colorful area, and apparently pretty fun. There are some gorgeous houses over there, too, but not too far from the University.
There's only two regrets I have as I get ready to leave here. First of all, Susan e-mailed me a few weeks ago to let me know Kristin was living out here and give me her address. I'd totally love to catch up with her, but being over 120 lbs, I don't want people to see me. Prednisone has really scarred my self esteem, and I just can't stand that I've let it happen to me. I know the weight will eventually come off, and that friends will be my friends regardless. But I hate having to explain. Besides, Kristin doesn't even know about (the lupus). I just looked at the map in *'s living room this afternoon to see where Kristin lives. I could just kick myself. She lives on 20th NE, right near UVillage, in the UDistrict. Anyway, I suppose that, assuming I come back here next June, I'll contact her then and hope she's not mad at me for not getting in touch w/ her. I'm sure Susan told her I'm out here.
My only other regret I have is more of a confession: I can feel a flare up coming on. I've had a fever again the past several days, and these killer headaches. I was dumb. I forgot to bring my 2nd bottle of Plaquenil. When I realized my mistake, and realized I'd be out here longer than expectd, I started halving my dose and titrating it so the medicine would last longer. I finally told *, but told her not to tell Mom, because she'll get concerned and maybe mad at me. Besides, when M & D went to check my mail at my apt, she saw the Plaquenil bottle I'd forgotten and left behind on my dresser. When she asked me about it and asked if I had enough medication, I lied and told her yes. Sorry. * offered to write me a prescription and fill it on the way home from work at QFC but I said not to bother. I don't want a record of having filled a prescription out-of-state, and I'm not sure what my insurance card will cover. It's a hassle.
Anyway, I have written so much my hand is going to fall off. I should really go pack, and then pot those flowers we bought. I think they'll look really nice out on the patio and hope they bloom well into September. I'm so sad. But I will go now. I think I smell gross since I'm still in my running clothes. And so I'm off to hop into the shower. I so don't want to leave this place.
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How's that for a final entry? Yeah, it's long. But I guess it was a good grand finale for the handwritten chronicles of my life, don't you think?
Sorry to everyone who was probably bored out of their mind reading that.
Such was my life 7 months ago.
