i'm not as tough as you think...
having said this, i'm starting to realize that maybe i'm not as tough as you think...or as i used to think...or tried to be. maybe that's okay. maybe not. i'm a lot more emotional now than i ever used to be. sometimes it's unsettling. i'm not the teflon coated tough girl i pretended to be. no, i'm not impervious to pain (mine or other people's). i cry more often nowadays than i used to. and i worry it makes me a lot more vulnerable than i should be. i'm more sensitive to other people's pain nowadays too. is it compassion or am i becoming weak? a lot of diaries i read here really touch me. sometimes i read stuff here that really tears me up. in fact, it happened 1st thing this morning when i woke up and logged on here.
i've been thinking a lot lately about the time i was 1st diagnosed (1994) and again when it all got revised in 2000. it's wearing me down--a heavy burden sitting on my shoulders. and i'm seriously starting to question whether i'm strong enough mentally and emotionally to handle this. silly me--thinking it would be a piece of cake to handle...that it would be a temporary struggle. i'm seriously starting to question if i'm the strong woman i thought i was. compare and contrast me now to the confident empowered person i thought i was 6 or 7 years ago with my newly earned bachelor's degree. as an undergrad, i was trained to believe that no obstacle was too large to overcome...that i could do anything...be anyone i wanted...and i figured having an illness like this was like anything else i could overcome. but it's the one thing i haven't been able to crush and defeat. has my confidence evaporated and eroded? what happened to the old me? some days i feel very confident, like i'm my own woman. other days usually when i'm feeling bad) everything fluctuates. am i not strong enough? i've wanted so badly to stomp out every dying ember of my autoimmune problems just like one would do to a trash can fire. but i've failed thus far.
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